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Politically Correct and Other Stories


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Author Topic: Politically Correct and Other Stories  (Read 1249 times)
unknown
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« Reply #90 on: January 16, 2008, 09:56:12 am »

"ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Ha... that's hilarious
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #91 on: January 16, 2008, 10:37:51 pm »

TOP OXYMORONS:

35. Government worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt head
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural metro (ambulance service)
16. 'Now, then ... '
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the number one top oxymoron is ...
1. Microsoft Works

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #92 on: January 16, 2008, 10:41:39 pm »

OBEDIENCE-SHCOOL WINNER

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 3423



« Reply #93 on: January 16, 2008, 10:43:51 pm »

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
 Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
 freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
 but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact
 is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were
 unable to find it."



 The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a
 new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
 the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."



>The man perks up at this.

 "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
 But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had
 a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might
 be a bit put out.

 But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a
 five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that
 she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

 The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

 "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

 "I have," says the man.
 "And has she helped you in making the decision?"

 "She has," says the man.

 "And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 3423



« Reply #94 on: January 16, 2008, 10:45:18 pm »

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled
in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right
beside his.
 
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he
calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have
learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

" Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it
is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that
trait.
 
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers
when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I
have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing
all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends
call me Bubba."

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 3423



« Reply #95 on: January 16, 2008, 10:56:49 pm »

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan! This is a horrible
lie
and one which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed
and
do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to
stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is
falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel
glory.? Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic
rose from the third pew. Her head bowed and her voice quivered as she
poke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were
a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation
roared!

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
rockessence
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Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #96 on: January 24, 2008, 12:44:40 pm »

Subject: Are You A Real Cowboy?Huh

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colt's, working cow's,
going to rodeo's, fixing fence's, pulling calve's,
bailing hay, doctoring calve's,
cleaning my barn, fixing flat's,
working on tractor's, and feeding my dog's,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even
think about women when I eat.
It seem's that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
But, I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
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Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #97 on: March 14, 2008, 04:15:43 am »

The Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter
took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is
seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know, things aren't
always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8,
Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have
beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I
cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'


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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #98 on: March 16, 2008, 11:37:36 am »

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
 Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
 they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
 Breezers.
 
 Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
 pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
 
 One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
 she would take off her panties and use them.
 Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
 pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
 
 She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded
 to wipe with that.
 
 After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
 
 The next day one of the women's husband was con cerned
 that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed
 hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
 "These girl nights have got to stop!
 I'm starting to suspect the worst...
 my wife came home with no panties!!"
 
 "That's nothing" said the other husband,
 "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
 
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
 We'll never forget you.'"
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
rockessence
Superhero Member
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Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #99 on: April 02, 2008, 11:20:45 pm »

How the hell did Robert DeNiro keep from cracking up?Huh?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid 1642508857
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


WWW
« Reply #100 on: April 18, 2008, 04:53:14 am »

Dear Internal Revenue Service,


    Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.


    Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.


    I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.


    Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.


    You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how
H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).  One screw is enclosed for your convenience.


    It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
 

    Sincerely,
             Doug
                   A Satisfied Taxpayer 
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


WWW
« Reply #101 on: May 02, 2008, 04:52:18 pm »

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
  patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
  The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the
  planks and looked through to see what was going on.
  Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
  Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


WWW
« Reply #102 on: May 13, 2008, 08:52:53 pm »

PHONE REPAIR

           A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report
 her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on
 the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right
 before the phone rang.

           The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to
 see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole,
 hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

           The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned
 and the telephone began to ring.

           Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

           1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire
 with a steel chain and collar.

           2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

           3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
 the number was called.

           4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and
 then urinate.

           5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
 the phone to ring.

           Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
 pissing and moaning.

           Thought you'd like to know.
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
Volitzer
Superhero Member
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Posts: 11110



« Reply #103 on: May 14, 2008, 12:59:00 am »

TOP OXYMORONS:

35. Government worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt head
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural metro (ambulance service)
16. 'Now, then ... '
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the number one top oxymoron is ...
1. Microsoft Works

Rap Music !!!!  Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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