Jokes in General

[Qoais]

SENIOR DRESS CODE
 Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite
 confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the
 kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as
 we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
 
1.  A nose ring and bifocals
 
2.  Spiked hair and bald spots
 
3.  A pierced tongue and dentures
 
4.  Miniskirts and support hose
 
5.  Ankle bracelets and corn pads
 
6.  Speedo's and cellulite
 
7.  A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
 
8.  Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
 
9.  Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
 
10.  Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
 
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
 
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
 
13. Inline skates and a walker..

 And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks...
 
14. Thongs and Depends.
 
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[Qoais]

A professor wrote these words
 
'A woman without her man is nothing'
 
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
 
 
 
All of the males in the class wrote:
" A woman, without her man, is nothing."
 
All the females in the class wrote:
" A woman: without her, man is nothing."
 
Punctuation is powerful.

[Qoais]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"   

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 


"You got Male!"







 

[Qoais]

Self Help Therapy:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' ForMarijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Volitzer]

Funny.  I actually know someone who is in her twenties, who actually got ticketed for driving too slow.  There is no end to the problems that people tend to make for themselves.

No it is just cops following orders to write tickets and support the corrupt prison-industrial-complex that is the largest in the world.

Wait till your getting raped, murdered, in a car accident or have something stolen.  Never a peep.   

[Qoais]

His and Her Diaries:


 *HER DIARY:

 Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
 meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
 long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
 he made no comment on it.
 Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
 so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
 was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
 and not to worry about it.
 On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
 kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
 say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
 completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
 there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

 Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
 caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't
 know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
 else. My life is a disaster.
>>>
HIS DIARY:
>>>
 My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid*

[Qoais]

 

An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud

towards him.

 The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I

tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?

 The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
 peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

 The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
 it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
 Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
 exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
 that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

 Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.  He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized

HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have

exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 "That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says  the
 Cowboy.

 He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused

as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what

your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 "You're a member of parliament for the Canadian Government", says the
 Cowboy.

 "Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess  that?"

 "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked.  You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep.

 Now give me back my dog."

[Qoais]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

[Qoais]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Qoais]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[Qoais]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.

[Qoais]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Qoais]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'