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The Meaning of Existence (Original)

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Sun Goddess
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« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2007, 07:18:49 pm »

Dawn Moline

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   posted 05-19-2005 06:24 AM                       
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How much worse would I be doing right now without friends. But there is no need for anyone to keep defending me, these attacks will continue to go on anyway. I think ignoring them might just be best. They are a symptom of the problem, nothing more, have nothing actually to do with what I am feeling.

Norman has often asked about my personal life, well, today I'll tell him something. A few years ago, a close male friend of mine (no one here) was suffering through a family tragedy. I tried to be there for him, like I do any friend of mine who I think happens to need me in their life. I was more upbeat and cheerful then, nothing like I am now. We were only friends, but he made a pass at me and he was so sad that I just didn't have the heart to turn him down. Any woman will tell you that a lot of the male friends you have in your life want to do that with you eventually. I let him have sex with me, he was so miserable, and it seemed more important to me to help him than to protect my virtue, what little I actually have left, I suppose.

It's interesting how we, as human beings, always come full circle.

Yesterday afternoon, I went down to the lake in another of my sad moods I've been having lately. I remember looking out at the lake and for some inane reason, I just started crying, couldn't even control the crying. Well, a college student came up to me, a few years younger than me, and tried to comfort me. He was very nice, did his best to soothe me, tell me that whatever I was upset about couldn't be that bad. He asked me if I was crying because I had lost someone. As usual, I couldn't even put into the right words, the reason for my sadness. I couldn't tell him that the person that I had lost, was me.

He tried to kiss me, I was feeling so weak, and I just let him, an odd thing to do, just meeting someone in a park. We spent some more time together, I had nothing else to do that day, even let him take me back to his home. I suppose I was looking for anything to lift me out of my depression, but he was oddly attracted to my sadness and so, the same thing that happened years earlier, well, happened again. For a short time, my problems maybe did melt away, but then I awoke later, knew I didn't want to take things any further, dressed, then left in the dark. I'll see him again in the park someday, but, by that time, what occurred will only be a distant memory. Although, I did give him my name.

I don't normally use sex to solve my problems, even though from what I've written here, it may seem like I do. I've had some very nice relationships, but they have never been what life is all about for me. In the end, whatever occurred solved nothing because I still have the same thoughts yesterday as I had today.

I am alone, just as, even when we find one another, we still tend to be alone. We aren't close to each other anymore, and none of us tends to let the other really in. We might have human contact with one another, but in the end, it doesn't change anything, and it actually means nothing.

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"The unexamined life is one not worth leading."
-Plato

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"Often the test of courage is not to die but to live." — Vittorio Alfieri
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