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Trump Thinking Of Beginning RNC Speech With Sexist Tirade

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Psycho
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« on: July 20, 2016, 01:10:57 am »

Trump Thinking Of Beginning RNC Speech With Sexist Tirade He Was Saving For Special Occasion



NEW YORK—As he made his final preparations for this week’s Republican National Convention, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters Sunday he was considering leading off his headlining speech with an exceptionally offensive sexist tirade he had been saving for the perfect occasion. “Let me tell you, this vulgar, chauvinist rant that I’ve been keeping in my back pocket for months now is one of my best ever,” said Trump, adding that he could never waste such an incredibly insulting diatribe against women’s intelligence and individual agency on an ordinary stump speech. “I’ve worked hard on this; it belittles women’s efforts at equality, repeatedly objectifies them, and really puts them in their place. You know, maybe I should hold onto it—it would be perfect to throw in Hillary’s face on election night, or even at my inauguration. It’s so, so fantastic.” At press time, sources confirmed that Trump had decided to debut the derogatory tirade alongside a “really incredible” new epithet for Mexicans in his opening remarks at the first presidential debate.

http://www.theonion.com/article/trump-thinking-beginning-rnc-speech-sexist-tirade--53225
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Psycho
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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2016, 01:14:44 am »

Trembling, Pallid RNC Attendees Undergo Second Day Of Firearm Withdrawal
NEWS IN BRIEF
July 19, 2016
Vol 52 Issue 28    Politics · Politicians · Election 2016 · Donald Trump




CLEVELAND—Noting that the Secret Service had barred the possession of guns at this year’s Republican National Convention, sources at Quicken Loans Arena reported Tuesday that hundreds of trembling, pallid attendees were currently struggling to endure a second day of firearm withdrawal. “Boy, the people here are in a pretty rough spot—all the color’s drained out of their faces and almost all of them are muttering something to themselves,” said arena maintenance team leader Dave Walsh, who noted that it was easy to identify the victims of gun withdrawal by their wide, bloodshot eyes, thick beads of perspiration on their foreheads, and the way they wandered aimlessly around the convention floor grasping reflexively at their hips in a vain effort to grip a weapon that wasn’t there. “I’ve caught at least a dozen delegates begging members of the security detail for a quick peek at their sidearms, and just a few minutes ago I walked right in on a guy sobbing in the men’s room.” Walsh added that things appeared to be particularly dire over by the Texas and Arkansas delegations, where every member was curled up silently on the floor clutching their knees tightly to their chests with a dead, expressionless look frozen in their eyes.


http://www.theonion.com/tag/donald-trump
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Psycho
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2016, 01:22:10 am »

GOP Establishment Relieved After Conventionally Abhorrent Beliefs Make Way Onto Presidential Ticket
NEWS IN BRIEF
July 16, 2016
Vol 52 Issue 27    Politics · Politicians · Election 2016 · Donald Trump · Mike Pence



NEW YORK—Following Donald Trump’s official announcement that he had picked conservative Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate, prominent members of the GOP establishment reportedly expressed their relief Saturday that conventionally abhorrent beliefs would be represented on the Republican presidential ticket. “Gov. Pence is truly committed to the GOP’s most cherished, longstanding hatreds, so we couldn’t be happier to see him chosen as our party’s vice presidential candidate,” said Heritage Foundation president Jim DeMint, adding that the selection of someone with so many years of experience engaging in traditional discrimination against gays and women had eased the fears of Republican officials worried by Trump’s more unorthodoxly regressive views. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s great that Trump is bringing in millions of bigoted new voters with his fresh ideas for narrow-minded and detestable policies. But at the same time, there are certain awful beliefs that have helped to guide the conservative movement for decades, and the inclusion of Pence on the ticket is proof that those intolerances still have a place in today’s GOP.” DeMint added that he hoped Trump would also balance out his own crackpot fiscal proposals by choosing a few cabinet members with more conventionally discredited economic theories.

http://www.theonion.com/article/gop-establishment-relieved-after-conventionally-ab-53224
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Psycho
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2016, 01:23:20 am »

Trump Campaign Selects Mike Pence As Concrete Reminder That This All Really Happening
NEWS IN BRIEF
July 15, 2016
Vol 52 Issue 27    Politics · Politicians · Election 2016 · Donald Trump · Mike Pence



NEW YORK—Confirming reports circulating in the media, members of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign officially revealed Friday they have selected Indiana governor Mike Pence as a concrete reminder that this—all of this—is actually, legitimately happening. “I am honored to announce that Gov. Mike Pence will be joining the campaign [as a material indication that everything you’ve seen and heard is indeed reality],” said Paul Manafort, the chairman of the Trump campaign, declaring that the governor would bring to the Republican ticket a proven conservative record and a stark physical embodiment of the realization that the past year has not just been some crazy dream, but rather a series of actual events that is building to an honest-to-God electoral vote come November. “Gov. Pence has served his state as a strong and principled leader, and he is determined to serve his country as [a glaring signal that, at this point, it is much too late to turn back the clock or undo what has been begun, and that the only thing that can be done is recognize just how very, very real this all, in fact, is]. We’re happy to have him aboard.” At press time, Pence had taken the stage to deliver the emphatic message that he, Trump, the stage they were standing on, the banner behind them, and the large crowd cheering their names were 100 percent genuine, existent entities and not simply figments of the nation’s fevered imagination.


http://www.theonion.com/article/trump-campaign-selects-mike-pence-concrete-reminde-53220
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Psycho
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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2016, 01:28:43 am »

Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 2
July 19, 2016
Vol 52 Issue 28    Politics · Politicians · Election 2016



Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the second night of the 2016 Republican National Convention:

    Dana White (President, UFC)

    The head of the mixed martial arts promotion company admits that even he is kind of startled by the raw, unfettered rage coursing through the audience tonight
    Mitch McConnell (Senate Majority Leader)

    Has been extremely vocal in his endorsement of the general concept of there being a Republican presidential nominee
    Paul Ryan (Speaker Of The House)

    Was probably very excited about this night 15 months ago
    Kevin McCarthy (House Majority Leader)

    Has yet to write his speech, planning to just crib a few lines about the economy from previous speakers, start a “U.S.A.” chant, and then call it a day
    Chris Christie (Governor, New Jersey)

    Tapped by the Trump campaign to help balance a speaker list heavily skewed toward winners
    Tiffany Trump (Daughter Of Donald Trump)

    Will likely be introduced by her father as a “bombshell”
    Donald Trump Jr. (Son Of Donald Trump)

    Tapped to satisfy the nation’s morbid curiosity about what it’s like to grow up with Donald Trump as a father
    Ben Carson (Retired Neurosurgeon)

    The former presidential candidate is expected to provide a nice break from the impassioned, on-message speeches of the night

http://www.theonion.com/infographic/whos-speaking-at-the-rnc-day-2-53250
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Geniocrat
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« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2016, 01:37:03 pm »

With enough money... Republican women will put up with all kinds of abuse.
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Siembida
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Halloween is the only holiday that matters!


« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2016, 10:27:27 pm »

Republican sheep = stupid people who believe everything they are told and obey everything their leaders tell them.
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Roy McGiness
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« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2016, 08:09:05 pm »

That Donald is one handsome fella. Can't see why any woman wouldn't like him. Hillary probably likes him, too. That's why she says such mean things about him all the time. Women are like that.
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