Atlantis Online
August 25, 2019, 12:43:50 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Scientists Confirm Historic Massive Flood in Climate Change
http://www.giss.nasa.gov/research/news/20060228/
 
  Home Help Arcade Gallery Links Staff List Calendar Login Register  

7 Avengers Too Lame for the Movies

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 7 Avengers Too Lame for the Movies  (Read 110 times)
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« on: September 15, 2011, 12:38:25 am »

7 Avengers Too Lame for the Movies
July 21, 2011 | 7:00 am



Captain America officially opens Friday and word has it thereís a trailer for the Avengers at the end, which you may have seen online in all its poorly lit, pirated glory. While the movie promises to be the biggest damn thing in the history of comic book movies to date (and that includes the two kick ass Swamp Thing movies from the 80ís) thereís still some important decisions that have to go into making sure it doesnít tank like so much Howard the Duck. And that means making sure a handful of Avengers are scheduled to be out of town during filming. Fact is, not everyone on the teamís roster is as cool as the Hulk or Iron Man. And no, we will not mention anyone from the Great Lakes Avengers, because those clowns donít count.

D-Man



Are you familiar with D-Man? Of course not. D-Bag perhaps is a better name, but D-Man (aka Demolition Man) was a second string Avenger who, quite on purpose, looked like the bastard love child of Daredevil and Wolverine. Why? Because they were both epically more popular than this jobber could ever be and D-Bagís parents couldnít be bothered to give a **** either way what he wore outside.

B-Manís powers consist of the standard mix of uncreative powers that literally every lazy character has Ė super strength, speed and stamina, but with the added bonus of a mild drug addiction and a heart condition. Because who cares why.

In the books, after working with him on some cockamamie scheme in the past, Captain America invites D-Bag to be the first new Avenger after the old team disbands. Then he promptly blows up in a plane crash. But fear not, because much later he does return, apparently have suffered a mental breakdown and bunking with Eskimos. Avengers, ho!
Report Spam   Logged

Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2011, 12:39:42 am »

Two Gun Kid



f there’s one thing modern comics don’t have enough of it’s novelty cowboys. Like, the X-men are cool and all, but wouldn’t Iceman have been way more awesome if, instead of being able to freeze things, he wore a blue cowboy hat and a red neckerchief and his superpowers consisted of no actual superpowers whatsoever, but he was really good with a lasso? No? Huh.
Report Spam   Logged
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2011, 12:40:45 am »

Dr. Druid



There are some fine doctors in the world of comics; Dr. Doom, Dr. Octopus, Dr. Phil, but every so often someone with a PhD from a Caribbean correspondence school sneaks in and makes us all feel bad. In this case, Dr. Druid (not a codename) who is a master of hypnosis and some dime-store magic, serves as the all powerful understudy to Dr. Strange! No really, his job was to be Dr. Strange if Dr. Strange couldn’t handle the job. But he did. So Dr. Druid had no point at all, really. Good for him!
Report Spam   Logged
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2011, 12:41:25 am »

Ulysses Bloodstone



With a name this awesome you’re probably wondering how Uly here got on the list, but don’t call us liars yet. You see, Ulysses is like 10,000 years old thanks to an alien stone embedded in his chest and, as a result of that stone, he has increased speed. And strength. Dexterity. Intelligence. Reflexes. Senses. Healing abilities. Plus he’s immortal. And immune to disease. And he’s rich. And he can speak all languages. And he can use all weapons. And he once invented a wetter kind of water. And he can clap with one hand. And he’s seen all celebrities naked. And he can pee and then just stop mid stream if he wants to. He should have been the Avengers all by himself.
Report Spam   Logged
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2011, 12:41:56 am »

The Whizzer


After graduating from the Superhero Community College of Awesome Names, The Whizzer jumped right into the Avengers with the super unique power of running very fast. Yeah, he’s the Flash. Except the Flash is a DC character, so he’s the Marvel version. Except Quicksilver is the Marvel version. And had been an Avenger for over 10 years before the Whizzer showed up. So he’s just a rerun with a **** name.
Report Spam   Logged
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2011, 12:42:44 am »

Silverclaw




Lest you think there’s no diversity in the Avengers, meet Maria de Guadalupe Santiago, the Avenger with the most Hispanic name Marvel writers could come up with after a 2 hour brainstorming session. Maria may trick you, at first glance, into thinking she doesn’t suck, because he powers are to basically become a werewolf. Thing is it’s not necessarily a wolf that she turns into, it’s various rainforesty animals from her home country of Marvel-Made-Up-A-South-American-Country-Istan. They could have just said she was Columbian, but instead they made her from Costa Verde. Whatever.

Anyway, it still seems like she could have potential – werejaguar, wereanaconda, that’s kind of badass. But then you look at the list of things she’s turned into you and you’ll see the words “cockatoo” and “sloth.”

Now admittedly, a weresloth can do all kinds of things, Renee Zellwegger is remarkably popular, but in the world of superheroes you really need to step it up.
Report Spam   Logged
Moonknight
Full Member
***
Posts: 32



« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2011, 12:43:37 am »

Starfox



Oh, Starfox. So this guy’s real name is Eros and his super power is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of your brain. So he’s like a psychic boner. And he was accused in one storyline of being a rapist. Superhero indeed.


http://www.holytaco.com/7-avengers-too-lame-for-the-movies/?utm_source=scribol&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=scribol
Report Spam   Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum | Buy traffic for your forum/website
Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy