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Try Not To Pee Your Pants!!!

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Paulo Riven
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« on: August 09, 2010, 10:23:37 pm »

Try Not to Pee Your Pants by Paulo Riven.


Is there a store that sells Netanyahu bug spray?

I guess when we hear breaking news on the TV we should smash it !

 Is there acne on the teen choice awards?

Horse fleas still better than fleas of 1000 camels under armpits!

Sometimes you have to do like the Horse poop and hit the trail! Smiley

Arnold? New Movie? California Economy? Total ReCall-ifornia comes to mind.

If J LO's butt gets any bigger, she'll be J LO-rider!

Next they'll be selling you bottled air and media toilet paper rolls. The latter being a great idea! Literally

I think if Jim Carrey were hunch-backed his name would have more meaning

Wonder why Elton John wrote "Don't let the Sun go down on me"? Rod Stewart was the steward of rods!

Michael Jackson shopped at Kmart because boy's pants were half off!

After seeing Paris Hilton's xxx home vid, Paris is definitely a mistake for her first name.!

I knew of someone so huge that they had their own postal code!

Hillary Clinton. Now there's a name of something big and scary between a woman's legs that needs to be mowed!

To place 100 gays on beach towel, lay first one face down.

In the army you separate the men from the boys with a crowbar

Farmer shaved parrots head for humping chickens Placed parrot on piano at wedding 2 bald guys enter. "Ack you chicken humpers get on piano!"

Do cow's walk on the bullevard or go to the moovies at night? They're really saying moooove over!

Why don't Jewish woman climax? They don’t' give away anything for free!

Did you know Jewish mul's sell the foreskin as bubblegum in san fran's gay district?

I wonder if it was the Jewish mul who invented mozza balls?

4 Mexicans in 4 cars stopped at an intersection is an ideal situation!

Mexican's don't have barbeques because the beans kept falling through the grill

Hillbillies called it an outhouse because they couldn't figure out how to get in!

Surely, hillbillies invented the toothbrush!

What do you call 32 hillbillies front row at movie theatre? Complete set of teeth.

A hillbilly woman gets off bus with boob sticking out of shirt. When alerted by passerby she says; "Dang I forgot my kid on the bus!"

The most confusing day for hillbillies is father's day

I guess after the operation it was clever for the doctor to use the term hem-merhoids

Do Polar bears get Polaroid’s from sitting on ice?

A gay dinosaur is called megasoreass. Lesbian dinosaur, lickalottapus

Guy in bar to woman. "Care to dance?" "No not with you!" Yell's out "Pardon me I said, "did you crap your pants"!!

A gay walks in bedroom to find splattered walls. "Couldn't you wait?" "Don't worry I just farted".

A gay wakes up to his lover doing something in a zip bag. "I told you wait until I got home from work". "Don't worry just packing your lunch".

Could I market twigs with glue on them in the candy aisle as lipstick?

Why do bears poo in the woods? Because rabbit fur doesn't stick to them.

Why do they call it nail polish when it's nail paint?

If you got pregnant on the mile high club, would your kid be an airhead?

If girls wanted attention by stuffing their bras with Kleenex, they should hang out in the Charmins aisle at the superstore.

A California dude told dude friend put potato in bikini to attract women. People rolled in laughter because it was backside.

Wonder when they're going to have silicone implants for men's nards?

There's a new designer tampon on the market. Calvin Clings.

Fashion is a great business because a woman never has anything to wear in her closet!

Funny that Casinos aren't named Casoutos. Guess that's why they Cash In.

Young man learning 69 for the first time. After 3 female "toots" gets up stating "not going through 66 more of those!”

Imagine, a Canoe with power windows and seat belts. Now that would be something!

Two natives were sitting in a Canoe. One holding rope tied to others head. "When me pullum rope you go putt putt."

Good thing no ex-lax back in teepee days!

Two natives ice fishing saw skidoos for first time go by on frozen lake. "You know we should be trolling too Tatonka!"

Men were playing hockey on frozen lake superior. One got a breakaway and they haven't heard from him since.

2 men who were crossing the desert on a camel, thought it wise to stick camels head in water and siphon other end. Then siphoning man shouted later,” lift up its head from mud!!”

Is an EL-ephant an Asian God with big ears and baggy pants?

Elephants paint their toenails different colors to hide in your Smarties box. Ever find one? See how good they hide?

What did Tarzan say when the Elephants came over the hill with sunglasses on? Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

How do you get 4 Elephants in a Volkswagen? Simple. 2 in front and 2 in back. If you find 4 footprints in your butter look for a Volkswagen.

Gay's favorite pick-up line: "Hi there, can I push your stool in?"

Did you notice that stools in gay bars are upside down?

Is the army motto "never leave your friends behind?"

I can tell you're not a virgin because your face is screwed!

Elephants are great at sex because if they step on you your _______!!

A hand in the bush is worth two in the bird’s nest. Give it some thought Smiley

Is a Hippopotamus a colony of hippies getting stoned and overweight from the munchies?

I guess they call gay army personnel soldiers for a reason. (solder to join, weld together)

Is a sadistic person someone who fluffs the sheets over their partner?

Is an Athletic person some who flatulates at the slightest movement?

Is an amiable person someone who enjoys his or her own flatulence?

Mickey mouse left Minnie mouse because she was f____ Goofy!

A real man goes by the motto of a right side and a suicide!

Are missionaries’ actually a breeding program for foreign countries?

Do you call the front row of Chorus singers the clitorus?

Are those stains in women's underwear called clitty litter?

How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears!

If a lesbian has her tongue out is that a hard on?

I don't mind talking to gay men, I just make sure I always face them!

Funny that Lionel Ritchie burned himself cooking Coke and Michael Jackson burnt himself on a Pepsi commercial.

Does Nicole Ritchie look itchy?

When Paris Hilton sunbathes would she be Hil-toned? Latest was that she was Hil-Stoned after getting busted.

Does Justin Bieber wear a bib when he sings?

If Lindsay Lohan became a cheap **** would she be called Lindsay Lo-hand job?

Did they name Britanny Spears after she lost her virginity?

Why don't they call Women's Liberation Women's Labiation?

Why don't they call nipples suckles?

Why don't they have catcher's mitts in maternity wards?

Is an orgasm the grand finale for a symphonic penist?

Is a Judges private chamber for honorable discharges?

If a cop pull's you over for speeding tell him, isn't that what you gave me a speeding ticket for last time?

If a cop pulls you over for speeding, tell him you must have been driving faster to catch up to me!

Smart drivers park in erogenous zones!

What's the hardest thing about making out with a retired woman? Depends!

The worse thing the invisible man did was sleeping with Lois Lane.

What do you have when you have to big green balls in your hands? The incredible hulk under complete control

Are beer cans made by the Vatican?

It's ironic that they fight to join apartheid

Why does Germany call their super highway the Auto-bahn if cars drive on it?

What do you do when your Kotex pad catches fire? Tamp on it!

The only reason Quebec wants separatism from Canada is because they're stuck up!

If Paris is the land of lover's why don't they sleep with foreigners?

What did the Leper say to the ****? Keep the tip!

Were Simmons Mattresses a result of Gene marrying Shannon Tweed?

Is it a coincidence that the Greek Myths named the first Princess of Atlantis Cleito?

Is Cunnilingus the oldest language?

Did you know NASA is Jewish for Journey? Neanderthal Apes Seeking Aliens

There's a rumor out saying Obama belongs to a Chicago gay club

Did Lady Gaga gag her way to the top?

Did Cher leave Bono for another Bono?

Guess we know why rabbits have small puffy tails!

Do ****'s follow the religion of ya-Ho-way?

I guess porno stars don't need a raise for their work performance

Why did the girl find a green stain on her bedding? That time of the month for her cabbage patch doll.

God said to Adam: Where is Eve? "In the river washing herself. "Darn now all the fish are going to smell !

Do synonyms and homonyms make a perfect bed partners?

Is a gay pride parade a demonstration of analogies?

I don't mind playing Golf with Jesus, but walking across the water to the green is cheating!

Noah's Ark must have had a GPS system. God's Personal Surveillance.

Why is a schoolhouse red? You'd be red too if you had 8 periods a day!

Why is a fire engine red? You'd be red too if someone pulled on your hose all day!

Why is a pool table green? You 'd be green too if someone shot your balls around all day!

Girls should be careful about basketball players because they often dribble before they shoot

The other day I caught my wife in bed with another man. Then I woke up and yelled “get the heck off me!”

Wouldn't it be nice if women's hair stood straight up for that time of the month?

What does a **** and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread

People are like nuts. Hard on the outside and soft in the inside.

People are like testicles, there’s always a prick in there somewhere!

Women. Did you know having an "O" relieves menstrual cramps? No not Oreo cookies!

Jerry Lewis was the best comedian that ever lived

Why don't they call women's bicycles menstrual cycles?

Riding a hippo and a moped are both great until your friends see you

Elevators should have drop down oxygen masks like airplanes in case of rude flatulators

Women are vain and jealous creatures. Show them what you got then go to bed.

A woman is like a lioness of the jungle. Once she wraps her jaws around your neck, you're done for.

Women like men who clean and cook and take care of them. Guess that's why they are in general, messier than guys!

True love is being able to Twoot in front of your partner!

Paulo Riven
Try Not To Pee Your Pants!

Aug.09,2010.



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Paulo Riven
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2010, 04:32:50 pm »

This one by via mars 2

female intern is getting shown around the new ward by a doctor. as they walk by a room she notices a patient whacking off for all to see.

"look at that guy. what's wrong with him?"

"he's got swollen nads and needs to do that 5 times a day to relieve the pressure" says the doc as they move on down the hall.

they pass another room and take a quick look in. the intern yells "look at that nurse, she's giving that patient a blowjob and you didn't say anything. what's up with that?"

"same disease, better health plan"



This one by via mars 2.

a mexican, an arab, and a cowgirl are sitting in a bar in arizona. the mexican downs his drink, throws the glass in the air and shoots it to pieces.

"we've got so many cheap glasses in mexico that we just shoot them when we're finished"

then the arab downs his iced tea and throws his glass in the air and shoots it too.

"we've got so much sand back home that we just shoot our glasses too"

the cowgirl downs her shot, throws her glass in the air, shoots the mexican and the arab, then catches her glass and slams it on the bar.

"in arizona we have so many illegals that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice"


This one by me.

An American tourist walks up to a Mexican sitting against a wall with a bull standing beside him.

The American asks the Mexican; "Pardon me senhor, but can you tell me what time it is".

The Mexican looks up from under his sombrero and siesta,looks at the American and says; "Si senhor,I can". He then reaches over and grabs the bull by the balls and turns to the American and says: "Is 10 minutes past 3 senhor".

The American in utter surprise and eyes wide open, says to the Mexican, "That's incredible,how on Earth can you tell the time by holding a bull's balls?"!!!

The Mexican looks up at him again and says;

"Is easy senhor,first you reach over and grab el torro by his balls like this, then you give them a good lift.....

.....and you see that clock over there on the tower?"

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Paulo Riven
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2010, 05:18:16 am »

One day two tourists decided to rent a camel to cross the sahara desert with. The Arabian owner of the camels warned them that every 50 miles they must find water for the camel to drink. Okay they said and off they went on the camel. Later on one guy said that he thinks it must be around 50 miles so they found a watering hole and led the camel to it.

The camel refused to drink so they said, oh well let's travel another 50 miles and surely he will drink by then. So off they went and 50 miles later, the same thing happened and the camel again refused to drink. They became very worried because it was incredibly hot and they knew they would die if the camel didn't drink in the sweltering heat.

So one of them got a bright idea and he exclaimed; "I know we'll siphon the water into the camel!" "What do you mean said the other". "Don't worry just go around to the front of the camel and stick his head into the water hole".

Okay said the other and he pushed the camels head into the water hole.
Meanwhile the other guy went around the back of the camel's butt and stuck his thumbs in and began to siphon from the camel.

A few minutes later he choked and spat out in disgust yelling to the other guy;

"Hey lift up it's head I think it's in the mud!!!".


A guy end's up in hell one time and after years of suffering he was permitted to leave upon a final condition that he makes love to the ugliest,fattest and most hideous woman ever to have been. He agrees and goes into the room and makes it with these disgusting and foul women.

After completing his task, the devil takes him down the hall and towards the exit door.

Along the way they pass a room full of beautiful and gorgeous women where he sees a really hideous and ugly old man making love to them.

"Hey, what's up with that?!!!" He's says to the devil. "Why is it that I had to make it with those ugly women and he get's to make it with beautiful women?"

The devil looked at him and said; "The girls want to get out too you know".



Three hillbillies break into a farmer's house one evening while he was asleep in his room downstairs. Upon the way upstairs one guy stepped on a creaky board and the farmer woke up and said "Who goes there?". "Meeeooow" said the one guy and crept away into a room. The next guy following him upstairs stepped on the same board and creeeek it went again. "Who goes there?",said the farmer and the guy went "meeeoooow" and crept away into a room.

The third guy also happened to step on the same board again and it went creeeeek!. The farmer woke up a third time and said once again; "Who goes there?".

The guy turned around and exclaimed; " It's me the cat". The farmer shot him.



A city salesman's car breaks down along the country road one night late in the evening. So he walks a few miles until he came to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. The farmer opens the door and says "What can I do ya fer?" The city salesman tells him about his car and that he won't be able to get a towtruck until the morning. The farmer tells him; "Well I reckon it's allright you spend the night, except yer gonna have to share the room with my daughter's Nelly and Venus". "No problem", says the salesman and he settles in for the night with the 2 farmer's daughters.

The next morning he calls the towtruck and off he goes back to the city.

About 3 months later the city guy get's a letter in his mailbox from the farmer, opens it and reads it.

"Dear city feller, was it you who did the pushin,put the spots upon the cushion, put the footprints on the ceiling upside down? Ever since you been with Nelly there's been a swell in her belly, don't you think it's time you came around?"

The city salesman wrote a letter back and sent it to the farmer;

"Dear Farmer, yes it was I who did the pushin,put the spots upon the cushion, put the footprints on the ceiling upside down. But ever since I was with Venus I've been having problems with my ****, so were 50/50 all around!".


 



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