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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

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Author Topic: "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"  (Read 244 times)
Medieval Knight
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« Reply #45 on: September 01, 2009, 01:21:30 pm »

Scene 30
 
      [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
  a shrubbery!
      [dramatic chord]
  CRONE:  Who sent you?
  ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
  CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
  ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
      and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
  CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
  ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
  CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
  ARTHUR:  Nee!
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
  ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!
  ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
  ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
  ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
  ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
  ARTHUR:  Um, yes.

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« Reply #46 on: September 01, 2009, 01:21:40 pm »

ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee'
      at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing
      is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
      considerable economic stress at this period in history.
  ARTHUR:  Did you say `shrubberies'?
  ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name
      is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
  BEDEMIR:  Nee!
  ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!
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« Reply #47 on: September 01, 2009, 01:22:03 pm »

Scene 31
 

  ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we
      go now?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly.
      But there is one small problem.
  ARTHUR:  What is that?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
  RANDOM:  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
      ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
  RANDOM:  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
  ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
      Said Nee?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
      [dramatic chord]

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« Reply #48 on: September 01, 2009, 01:22:14 pm »

ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
      it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
      two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
  RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
      down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
      [dramatic chord]
  ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
  ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
  ARTHUR:  What word?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
      the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
  ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
  ARTHUR:  What, `is'?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
      saying `is'.
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« Reply #49 on: September 01, 2009, 01:22:26 pm »

BEDEMIR:  My liege, it's Sir Robin!
  MINSTREL (singing):  Packing it in and packing it up
                       And sneaking away and buggering up
                       And chickening out and pissing about
                       Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
  ARTHUR:  Oh, Robin!
  ROBIN:  My liege!  It's good to see you!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word!
  ARTHUR:  Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
  MINSTREL (singing):  He is sneaking away and buggering up--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  No, no no-- far from it.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word again!
  ROBIN:  I was looking for it.
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  ROBIN:  Uh, here, here in this forest.
  ARTHUR:  No, it is far from--
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaaaugh!  Stop saying the word!
  ARTHUR:  Oh, stop it!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh!  He said it again!
  ARTHUR:  Patsy!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaugh!  I said it!  I said it!  Ooh!  I said it again!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
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« Reply #50 on: September 01, 2009, 01:22:41 pm »

Narrative Interlude 3
 

  NARRATOR:  And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their
      search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
      Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
      rejoicing.
  ALL:  Yay!  Yay!
  NARRATOR:  In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's
      minstrels.  And there was much rejoicing.
  ALL:  Yay!
  NARRATOR:  A year passed.  Winter changed into Spring.  Spring changed
      into Summer.  Summer changed back into Winter.  And Winter gave Spring
      and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.  Until one day...

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« Reply #51 on: September 01, 2009, 01:23:00 pm »

Scene 32
 

  ARTHUR:  Knights!  Forward!
      [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
      What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint
      or tinder?
  TIM:  I... am an enchanter.
  ARTHUR:  By what name are you known?
  TIM:  There are some who call me... Tim?
  ARTHUR:  Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
  TIM:  Greetings, King Arthur!
  ARTHUR:  You know my name?
  TIM:  I do.
      [zoosh]
      You seek the Holy Grail!
  ARTHUR:  That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
  TIM:  Quite.
      [pweeng boom]
      [clap clap clap]
  ARTHUR:  Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail.  Our quest is to find
      the Holy Grail.
  KNIGHTS:  It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
  ARTHUR:  And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
  KNIGHTS:  Yes we are we are.
  BEDEMIR:  We have been for some time.

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« Reply #52 on: September 01, 2009, 01:23:26 pm »

ROBIN:  Ages.
  ARTHUR:  Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be...
      very... helpful...
  GALAHAD:  Look, can you tell us wh-
      [boom]
  ARTHUR:  Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh
      I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um,
      find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
  TIM:  A what...?
  ARTHUR:  A g--, a g--
  TIM:  A Grail?!
  ARTHUR:  Yes, I think so.
  KNIGHTS:  Yes, that's it.  Yes.
  TIM:  Yes!
  KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
      [boom pweeng boom boom]
  ARTHUR:  Look, you're a busy man, uh--
  TIM:  Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
  KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you.
  TIM:  To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
      wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last
      words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting
      place of the most Holy Grail.
  ARTHUR:  Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
  TIM:  Follow!  But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance
      to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man
      yet has fought with it and lived!  Bones of four fifty men lie strewn
      about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or
      your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty
      big pointy teeth.
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« Reply #53 on: September 01, 2009, 01:23:36 pm »

ARTHUR:  What an eccentric performance.
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« Reply #54 on: September 01, 2009, 01:23:52 pm »

Scene 33
 
      [clop clop whinny]
  KNIGHT:  They're nervous, sire.
  ARTHUR:  Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.  Dis-mount!
  TIM:  Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
  ARTHUR:  Right!  Keep me covered.
  KNIGHT:  What with?
  ARTHUR:  Just keep me covered.
  TIM:  Too late!
      [chord]
  ARTHUR:  What?
  TIM:  There he is!
  ARTHUR:  Where?
  TIM:  There!
  ARTHUR:  What, behind the rabbit?
  TIM:  It is the rabbit!
  ARTHUR:  You silly sod!  You got us all worked up!
  TIM:  Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.  That's the most foul, cruel,
      and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
  ROBIN:  You tit!  I soiled my armor I was so scared!
  TIM:  Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
      killer!
  KNIGHT:  Get stuffed!
  TIM:  It'll do you a trick, mate!
  KNIGHT:  Oh, yeah?
  ROBIN:  You mangy Scot git!
  TIM:  I'm warning you!
  ROBIN:  What's he do, nibble your bum?
  TIM:  He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
  ARTHUR:  Go on, Boris.  Chop his head off!
  BORIS:  Right!  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew comin' right up!
  TIM:  Look!
      [squeak]

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« Reply #55 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:03 pm »

BORIS:  Aaaugh!
      [chord]
  ARTHUR:  Jesus Christ!
  TIM:  I warned you!
  ROBIN:  I peed again!
  TIM:  I warned you!  But did you listen to me?  Oh, no, you knew it all,
      didn't you?  Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?  Well,
      it's always the same,  I always--
  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up!
  TIM:  --But do they listen to me?--
  ARTHUR:  Right!
  TIM:  -Oh, no--
  KNIGHTS:  Charge!
      [squeak squeak]
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh! etc.
  KNIGHTS:  Run away!  Run away!
  TIM:  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw.
  ARTHUR:  Right.  How many did we lose?
  KNIGHT:  Gawain.
  KNIGHT:  Hector.
  ARTHUR:  And Boris.  That's five.
  GALAHAD:  Three, sir.
  ARTHUR:  Three.  Three.  And we'd better not risk another frontal
      assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
  ROBIN:  Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
  GALAHAD:  Let us taunt it!  It may become so cross that it will make
      a mistake.
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« Reply #56 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:17 pm »

ARTHUR:  Like what?
  GALAHAD:  Well,....
  ARTHUR:  Have we got bows?
  KNIGHT:  No.
  LAUNCELOT:  We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
  ARTHUR:  Yes, of course!  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!  'Tis one
      of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!  Brother Maynard!
      Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
      [singing]
      How does it, uh... how does it work?
  KNIGHT:  I know not, my liege.
  ARTHUR:  Consult the Book of Armaments!
  MAYNARD:  Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
  BROTHER:  "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
      'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
      thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'  And the Lord did grin, and
      people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
      and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
  MAYNARD:  Skip a bit, Brother.
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« Reply #57 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:28 pm »

BROTHER:  "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
      Holy Pin.  Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.  Three
      shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
      shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
      excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once
      the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
      thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
      in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
  MAYNARD:  Amen.
  ALL:  Amen.
  ARTHUR:  Right!  One... two... five!
  KNIGHT:  Three, sir!
  ARTHUR:  Three!
      [boom]
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« Reply #58 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:42 pm »

Scene 34
 
  KNIGHT:  There!  Look!
  LAUNCELOT:  What does it say?
  GALAHAD:  What language is that?
  ARTHUR:  Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
  MAYNARD:  It's Aramaic!
  GALAHAD:  Of course!  Joseph of Aramathea!
  LAUNCELOT:  Course!
  KNIGHT:  What does it say?
  MAYNARD:  It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
      Aramathea.  He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail
      in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
  BEDEMIR:  What is that?
  MAYNARD:  He must have died while carving it.
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, come on!
  MAYNARD:  Well, that's what it says.
  ARTHUR:  Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'.
      He'd just say it!
  MAYNARD:  Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
  GALAHAD:  Perhaps he was dictating.
  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up.  Well, does it say anything else?
  MAYNARD:  No.  Just, 'uuggggggh'.
  LAUNCELOT:  Aauuggghhh.

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« Reply #59 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:54 pm »

KNIGHT:  Aaauggh.
  BEDEMIR:  You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
  KNIGHT:  Where's that?
  BEDEMIR:  France, I think.
  LAUNCELOT:  Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
  ARTHUR:  No, that's Saint Ives.
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, yes.  Saint Iiiives.
  SEVERAL:  Iiiiives.
  BEDEMIR:  Oooohoohohooo!
  LAUNCELOT:  No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat.  Aauuugh.
  BEDEMIR:  No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
  BEDEMIR:  Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
  KNIGHT:  Oooh!
  KNIGHT:  Oh, no!
      [roar]
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