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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

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Author Topic: "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"  (Read 244 times)
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« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2009, 01:16:22 pm »

GALAHAD:  Why?
  LAUNCELOT:  You're in great peril!
  LAUNCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
  GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
  GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
  LAUNCELOT:  Come on!
  GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
  DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
  GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
  LAUNCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
  GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
  DINGO:  Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
  GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
  GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty
      of them!
  DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
  GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
      [boom]
  DINGO:  Oh, ****.
      [outside]
  LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
  GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
  LAUNCELOT:  Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
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« Reply #31 on: September 01, 2009, 01:16:36 pm »

GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
  GALAHAD:  Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.
  LAUNCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
  GALAHAD:  Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's unhealthy.
  GALAHAD:  Bet you're gay!
  LAUNCELOT:  No, I'm not.
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« Reply #32 on: September 01, 2009, 01:16:52 pm »

Narrative Interlude 2
 
  NARRATOR:  Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
      temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail.  Meanwhile,
      King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away,
      had  discovered something.  Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight,
      obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights
      away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.
      I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
  CROWD:  Get on with it!
  NARRATOR:  Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
      scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
      in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
      starling -oolp!

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« Reply #33 on: September 01, 2009, 01:17:08 pm »

Scene 24
 
  OLD MAN:  Ah, hee he he ha!
  ARTHUR:  And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
  OLD MAN:  Ha ha he he he he!
  ARTHUR:  Where does he live?  Old man, where does he live?
  OLD MAN:  He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
  ARTHUR:  And the Grail... The Grail is there?
  OLD MAN:  Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
      of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
  ARTHUR:  But the Grail!  Where is the Grail!?
  OLD MAN:  Seek you the Bridge of Death.
  ARTHUR:  The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
  OLD MAN:  Hee hee ha ha!

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« Reply #34 on: September 01, 2009, 01:17:24 pm »

Scene 25
 
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!
      Nee!
      Nee!
      Nee!
  ARTHUR:  Who are you?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
  ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
  BEDEMIR:  Who are they?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words:  Nee, Pen, and
      Nee-wom!
  RANDOM:  Nee-wom!
  ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
  ARTHUR:  Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
      enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!
  ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
  ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!
      [dramatic chord]
  ARTHUR:  A what?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!

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« Reply #35 on: September 01, 2009, 01:17:32 pm »

ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
  ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We shall find a shrubbery.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
      never pass through this wood alive!
  ARTHUR:  O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
      with a shrubbery.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
  ARTHUR:  Of course.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
  ARTHUR:  Yes.
  HEAD KNIGHTS:  Now... go!
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« Reply #36 on: September 01, 2009, 01:17:50 pm »

Scene 26
 
  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
 
  FATHER:  One day, lad, all this will be yours!
  ERBERT:  What, the curtains?
  FATHER:  No, not the curtains, lad.  All that you can see!  Stretched
      out over the hills and valleys of this land!  This'll be your kingdom,
      lad!
  HERBERT:  But, Mother--
  FATHER:  Father, I'm Father.
  HERBERT:  But Father, I don't want any of that.
  FATHER:  Listen, lad.  I've built this kingdom up from nothing.  When
      I started here, all there was was swamp.  All the kings said I was
      daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
      just to show 'em.  It sank into the swamp.  So, I built a second one.
      That sank into the swamp.  So I built a third one.  That burned down,
      fell over, then sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one stayed up.
      An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these
      islands.
  HERBERT:  But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
  FATHER:  Rather what?!
  HERBERT:  I'd rather... just...
      [music]
      ...sing!
  FATHER:  Stop that, stop that!  You're not going to do a song while
      I'm here.  Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
      a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
  HERBERT:  But I don't want land.
  FATHER:  Listen, Alex,--
  HERBERT:  Herbert.
  FATHER:  Herbert.  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the land we
      can get.
  HERBERT:  But I don't like her.

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« Reply #37 on: September 01, 2009, 01:18:02 pm »

FATHER:  Don't like her?!  What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful,
      she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
  HERBERT:  I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
      a certain... special...
      [music]
      ...something...
  FATHER:  Cut that out, cut that out.  Look, you're marryin' Princess
      Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]  Guards!  Make sure
      the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
  GUARD #1:  Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  FATHER:  No, no.  Until I come and get 'im.
  GUARD #1:  Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
  FATHER:  No, no, no.  You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
      leave.
  GUARD #1:  And you'll come and get him.
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  FATHER:  Right.
  GUARD #1:  We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
      entering the room.
  FATHER:  No, no.  Leaving the room.
  GUARD #1:  Leaving the room, yes.
  FATHER:  All right?
  GUARD #1:  Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
  FATHER:  Yes, what is it?
  GUARD #1:  Oh, if-if, oh--
  FATHER:  Look, it's quite simple.
  GUARD #1:  Uh...
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« Reply #38 on: September 01, 2009, 01:18:19 pm »

FATHER:  You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
      All right?
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  FATHER:  Right.
  GUARD #1:  Oh, I remember.  Uh, can he leave the room with us?
  FATHER:  N- No no no.  You just keep him in here, and make sure--
  GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
      to leave and we were--
  FATHER:  No, no, just keep him in here--
  GUARD #1:  Until you, or anyone else,--
  FATHER:  No, not anyone else, just me--
  GUARD #1:  Just you.
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  FATHER:  Get back.
  GUARD #1:  Get back.
  FATHER:  Right?
  GUARD #1:  Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
  FATHER:  And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
  GUARD #1:  What?
  FATHER:  Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
  GUARD #1:  The Prince?
  FATHER:  Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
  GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, of course.  I thought you meant him.  Y'know, it
      seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
  FATHER:  Is that clear?
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  GUARD #1:  Oh, quite clear, no problems.
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« Reply #39 on: September 01, 2009, 01:18:35 pm »

FATHER:  Right.
      [starts to leave]
      Where are you going?
  GUARD #1:  We're coming with you.
  FATHER:  No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
  GUARD #1:  Oh, I see.  Right.
  HERBERT:  But, Father!
  FATHER:  Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on!  And no singing!
  GUARD #2:  Hic!
  FATHER:  Oh, go get a glass of water.


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« Reply #40 on: September 01, 2009, 01:18:56 pm »

Scene 27
 
  LAUNCELOT:  Well taken, Concorde!
  CONCORDE:  Thank you, sir!  Most kind.
  LAUNCELOT:  And again... Over we go!  Good.  Steady!  And now, the big
      one...Ooof!  Come on, Concorde!
      [thwonk]
  CONCORDE:  Message for you, sir.
      [fwump]
  LAUNCELOT:  Concorde!  Concorde, speak to me!  "To whoever finds this
      note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
      against my will.  Please, please, please come and rescue me.  I am
      in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."  At last!  A call, a cry of
      distress!  This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
      Brave, brave Concorde!  You shall not have died in vain!
  CONCORDE:  Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
  CONCORDE:  Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, I see.
  CONCORDE:  Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
  LAUNCELOT:  No, no, sweet Concorde!  Stay here!  I will send help as
      soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
      particular... (sigh)
  CONCORDE:  Idiom, sir?
  LAUNCELOT:  Idiom!
  CONCORDE:  No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
  LAUNCELOT:  Farewell, sweet Concorde!
  CONCORDE:  I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir?  Yeah.

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« Reply #41 on: September 01, 2009, 01:19:18 pm »

Scene 28
 
  LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
  GUARD #1:  Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
  LAUNCELOT:  O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot
      of Camelot.  I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
  HERBERT:  You got my note!
  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, I got A note.
  HERBERT:  You've come to rescue me!
  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, no, you see...
  HERBERT:  I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
      there must be...
      [music]
      ...someone...
  FATHER:  Stop that, stop that, stop it!  Stop it!  Who are you?
  HERBERT:  I'm your son!
  FATHER:  No, not you.
  LAUNCELOT:  I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
  HERBERT:  He's come to rescue me, father.
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
  FATHER:  Did you kill all the guard?
  LAUNCELOT:  Uh..., oh, yes.  Sorry.
  FATHER:  They cost fifty pounds each.
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
  HERBERT:  Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
  FATHER:  You killed eight wedding guests in all!
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
  FATHER:  I can understand that.
  HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!  Hurry!
  FATHER:  Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I really didn't mean to...
  FATHER:  Didn't mean to?!  You put your sword right through his head!
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, dear.  Is he all right?

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« Reply #42 on: September 01, 2009, 01:20:45 pm »

FATHER:  You even kicked the bride in the chest!  This is going to cost
      me a fortune!
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I can explain.  I was in the forest, um, riding north
      from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
  FATHER:  Camelot?  Are you from, uh, Camelot?
  HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
  FATHER:  Pretty nice castle, Camelot.  Uh, pretty good pig country....
  LAUNCELOT:  Yes.
  HERBERT:  Hurry, I'm ready!
  FATHER:  Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
  LAUNCELOT:  Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
  HERBERT:  I am ready!
      [starts to leave]
  LAUNCELOT:  --I mean to be, so understanding.
      [thonk]
  HERBERT:  Oooh!
  LAUNCELOT:  Um, I think when I'm in this  idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
      uh, sort of carried away.
  FATHER:  Oh, don't worry about that.
  HERBERT:  Oooh!
      [splat]
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« Reply #43 on: September 01, 2009, 01:21:03 pm »

Scene 29
 
      [wailing]
  FATHER:  Well, this is the main hall.  We're going to have all this
      knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
  RANDOM:  There he is!
  FATHER:  Oh, bloody hell.
  LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
  FATHER:  Hold it, hold it!  Please!
  LAUNCELOT:  Sorry, sorry.  See what I mean, I just get carried away.
      I really must -- sorry, sorry!  Sorry, everyone.
  RANDOM:  He's killed the best man!
      [yelling]
  FATHER:  Hold it, please!  Hold it!  This is Sir Launcelot from the
      court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
      guest here today.
  LAUNCELOT:  Hello.
  RANDOM:  He killed my auntie!
      [yelling]
  FATHER:  Please, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
      Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.  We are here today to
      witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
      wedlock.  Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
      to his death.  But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
      a daughter!  For, since the tragic death of her father--
  RANDOM:  He's not quite dead!

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« Reply #44 on: September 01, 2009, 01:21:14 pm »

FATHER:  Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
  RANDOM:  He's getting better!
  FATHER:  For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
      recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,...
      [ugh]
  RANDOM:  Oh, he's died!
  FATHER:  And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
      dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
      [clapping]
      And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the
      Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot...
  LAUNCELOT:  What?
  RANDOM:  Look!  The dead Prince!
  CONCORDE:  He's not quite dead!
  HERBERT:  Oh, I feel much better.
  FATHER:  You fell out of the tower, you creep!
  HERBERT:  No, I was saved at the last minute.
  FATHER:  How?!
  HERBERT:  Well, I'll tell you...
      [music]
  FATHER:  Not like that!  Not like that!  No, stop it!
  SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
  FATHER:  Shut up!
  SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
  CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir!  This way!
  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's not in my idiom!  I must escape more....(sigh)
  CONCORDE:  Dramatically, sir?
  LAUNCELOT:  Dramatically!  Hee!  Ha!
      [crash]
      Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
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