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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

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« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2009, 01:13:05 pm »

BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
      [pause]
  VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
  BEDEMIR:  Good!
  CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
  BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
  VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
  BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
  VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
  BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
  VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
  VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
  VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
  CROWD:  The pond!
  BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
  VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
  VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
  VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
  VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
  VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
  VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
  VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
  VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
  VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
  ARTHUR:  A duck.
  CROWD:  Oooh.
  BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
  VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
  BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
  VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
  CROWD:  A witch!
  BEDEMIR:  We shall use my larger scales!
      [yelling]
  BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
      [whop]
      [creak]
  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
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« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2009, 01:13:18 pm »

WITCH:  It's a fair cop.
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  [yelling]
  BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
  ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
  BEDEMIR:  My liege!
  ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
      and join us at the Round Table?
  BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honored.
  ARTHUR:  What is your name?
  BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my leige.
  ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.


[Narrative Interlude]
 
  NARRATOR:  The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
      knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
      Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
      Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
      of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
      and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
      the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.  Together they formed
      a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
      the Knights of the Round Table.

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« Reply #17 on: September 01, 2009, 01:13:33 pm »

Scene 6
 
  BEDEMIR:  And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
  ARTHUR:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir.  Explain again how
      sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
  BEDEMIR:  Oh, certainly, sir.
  LAUNCELOT:  Look, my liege!
  ARTHUR:  Camelot!
  GALAHAD:  Camelot!
  LAUNCELOT:  Camelot!
  PATSY:  It's only a model.
  ARTHUR:  Shhh!  Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.  Let us
      ride... to Camelot.
 
      [singing]
      We're knights of the round table
      We dance when e'er we're able
      We do routines and parlour scenes
      With footwork impecc-Able.
 
      We dine well here in Camelot
      We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
 
      [dancing]
 
      We're knights of the Round Table
      Our shows are for-mid-able
      Though many times we're given rhymes
      That are quite unsing-able
      We not so fat in Camelot
      We sing from the diaphragm a lot
 
      [tap-dancing]
 
      Oh we're tough and able
      Quite indefatigable
      Between our quests we sequin vests
      And impersonate Clark Gable
      It's a bit too loud in Camelot
      I have to push the pram a lot.
 
  ARTHUR:  Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
      a silly place.
      Right.

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« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2009, 01:13:48 pm »

Scene 7
   GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If
      there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
  ARTHUR:  Sorry--
  GOD:  And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
      "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you
      doing now!?
  ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
  GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
      depressing.  Now knock it off!
  ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
  GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
      Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
  ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
  GOD: 'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy
      Grail.  Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
      this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
      Holy Grail.
  ARTHUR:  A blessing!
  LAUNCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
  GALAHAD:  God be praised!

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« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2009, 01:14:04 pm »

Scene 8
     [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Halt!  Hallo!  Hallo!
  GUARD:  'Allo!  Who is zis?
  ARTHUR:  It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
      Table.  Who's castle is this?
  GUARD:  This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
  ARTHUR:  Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
      with a sacred quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the
      night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
  GUARD:  Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
      Uh, he's already got one, you see?
  ARTHUR:  What?
  GALAHAD:  He says they've already got one!
  ARTHUR:  Are you sure he's got one?
  GUARD:  Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards]  I told him we already got one.
  OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
  ARTHUR:  Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
  GUARD:  Of course not!  You are English types-a!
  ARTHUR:  Well, what are you then?
  GUARD:  I'm French!  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
      silly king!
  GALAHAD:  What are you doing in England?
  GUARD:  Mind your own business!
  ARTHUR:  If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
      by force!
  GUARD:  You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your
      bottoms, sons of a silly person.  I blow my nose at you, so-called
      Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets.  Thppppt!
  GALAHAD:  What a strange person.
  ARTHUR:  Now look here, my good man!
  GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
      food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  You mother
      was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
  GALAHAD:  Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

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« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2009, 01:14:17 pm »

GUARD:  No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
  ARTHUR:  Now, this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonable.
  GUARD:  (Fetchez la vache.)
      wha?
  GUARD:  (Fetchez la vache!)
      [moo]
  ARTHUR:  If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
      [twong]
      [mooooooo]
      Jesus Christ!
      Right!  Charge!
  ALL: Charge!
      [mayhem]
  GUARD:  Ah, this one is for your mother!
      [twong]
  ALL:  Run away!
  GUARD:  Thpppt!
  LAUNCELOT:  Fiends!  I'll tear them apart!
  ARTHUR:  No no, no.
  BEDEMIR:  Sir!  I have a plan, sir.
 
      [later]
 
      [chop]
      [mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
      [rumble rumble squeak]
  MUTTERING GUARDS:  ce labon a bunny do
      wha?
      un cadeau?
      a present!
      oh, un cadeau.
      oui oui hurry!
      wha-?
      let's go!
      [rumble rumble squeak]
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« Reply #21 on: September 01, 2009, 01:14:27 pm »

ARTHUR:  What happens now?
  BEDEMIR:  Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
      and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
      not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
  ARTHUR:  Who leaps out?
  BEDEMIR:  Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I.  Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
      and uh....
  ARTHUR:  Oh....
  BEDEMIR:  Oh....  Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
      [twong]
  ALL:  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
      [splat]
  GUARDS:  Oh, haw haw haw.
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« Reply #22 on: September 01, 2009, 01:14:41 pm »

Scene 9
 
        Pictures for Schools, take 8.
  DIRECTOR:  Action!
 
  NARRATOR:  Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
      King Arthur.  The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
      by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
      was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
      to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
      knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
      individually.  Now, this is what they did--
      [tromp tromp]
      [slash]
  WOMAN:  Greg!

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« Reply #23 on: September 01, 2009, 01:14:59 pm »

Scene 10
 
  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Robin....
      So each of the knights went their separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north,
      through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
 
  MINSTREL (singing): 
                       
                       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
                       He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
                       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
                       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
 
                       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
                           into a pulp,
                       Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
                       To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
                       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
 
                       His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
                       And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
                       And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
                       And his ****--

  ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
      Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
  DENNIS:  Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
  WOMAN:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  Now I've dropped my mud.
  ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
  MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
      through.
  ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
  MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
      to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
  ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!

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« Reply #24 on: September 01, 2009, 01:15:09 pm »

ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
  ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
  ROBIN:  I am.
  LEFT HEAD:  In that case I shall have to kill you.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Shall I?
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, I don't think so.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well, what do I think?
  LEFT HEAD:  I think kill him.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Well let's be nice to him.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Oh shut up.
  LEFT HEAD:  Perhaps-
  MIDDLE HEAD:  And you.
  LEFT HEAD:  Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off!
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes, do us all a favor!
  LEFT HEAD:  What?
  RIGHT HEAD:  Yapping on all the time.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  You're lucky.  You're not next to him.
  LEFT HEAD:  What do you mean?
  MIDDLE HEAD:  You snore.
  LEFT HEAD:  Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, all right.  We'll kill him first
      and then have tea and biscuits.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, but not biscuits.
  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
  ALL HEADS:  Right!
  LEFT HEAD:  He buggered off.
  RIGHT HEAD:  So he has, he's scarpered.
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« Reply #25 on: September 01, 2009, 01:15:20 pm »

MINSTREL (singing):  Brave Sir Robin ran away
  ROBIN:  No!
  MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely ran away away
  ROBIN:  I didn't!
  MINSTREL (singing):  When danger reared its ugly head,
                       He bravely turned his tail and fled
  ROBIN:  No!
  MINSTREL (singing):  Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
  ROBIN:  I didn't!
  MINSTREL (singing):  And gallantly he chickened out
                       Bravely taking to his feet
  ROBIN:  I never did!
  MINSTREL (singing):  He beat a very brave retreat
  ROBIN:  Oh, lie!
  MINSTREL (singing):  Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
  ROBIN:  I never!
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« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2009, 01:15:35 pm »

Scene 11
 
  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Galahad
 
      [boom crash]
      [angels singing]
 
      [pound pound pound]
  GALAHAD:  Open the door!
      Open the door!
      [pound pound pound]
      In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
      [squeak thump]
      [squeak boom]
  ALL:  Hello!
  ZOOT:  Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
  GALAHAD:  The Castle Anthrax?
  ZOOT:  Yes... oh, it's not a very good name?  Oh! but we are
      nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
  GALAHAD:  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
  ZOOT:  The what?
  GALAHAD:  The Grail -- it is here?
  ZOOT:  Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
      Crepper!
  MIDGET and CREPPER:  Yes, oh Zoot!
  ZOOT:  Prepare a bed for our guest.
  MIDGET and CREPPER:  Oh thank you thank you thank you--
  ZOOT:  Away away vile temptress!  The beds here are warm and soft -- and
      very, very big.
  GALAHAD:  Well, look, I-I-uh--
  ZOOT:  What is your name, handsome knight?
  GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
  ZOOT:  Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.  Oh, but come!

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« Reply #27 on: September 01, 2009, 01:15:47 pm »

GALAHAD:  Look, please!  In God's name, show me the Grail!
  ZOOT:  Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!
  GALAHAD:  L-look, I have seen it!  It is here, in the--
  ZOOT:  Sir Galahad!  You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
      hospitality.
  GALAHAD:  Well, I-I-uh--
  ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
      to yours.  We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
      sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
      protect us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
      making exciting underwear....  We are just not used to handsome knights.
      Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here.  Oh, but you are wounded!
  GALAHAD:  No, no -- i-it's nothing!
  ZOOT:  Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately!  No, no, please,
      lie down.
      [clap clap]
  PIGLET:  Ah.  What seems to be the trouble?
  GALAHAD:  They're doctors?!
  ZOOT:  Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
  GALAHAD:  B-but--
  ZOOT:  Oh, come come, you must try to rest!  Doctor Piglet,  Doctor
      Winston, practice your art.
  PIGLET:  Try to relax.
  GALAHAD:  Are you sure that's necessary?
  PIGLET:  We must examine you.
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« Reply #28 on: September 01, 2009, 01:15:59 pm »

GALAHAD:  There's nothing wrong with that!
  PIGLET:  Please -- we are doctors.
  GALAHAD:  Get off the bed!  I am sworn to chastity!
  PIGLET:  Back to your bed!
  GALAHAD:  Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!
  PIGLET:  There's no grail here.
  GALAHAD:  I have seen it, I have seen it.  I have seen--
  GIRLS:  Hello.
  GALAHAD:  Oh--
  VARIOUS GIRLS:  Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
      Hello.
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« Reply #29 on: September 01, 2009, 01:16:09 pm »

GALAHAD:  Zoot!
  DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
  GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
  DINGO:  Where are you going?
  GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
  DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
  GALAHAD:  What is it?
  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight
      to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the
      first time we've had this problem.
  GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty
      person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
      have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You
      must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
  DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you
      may deal with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
  VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.
      And me.
      And me.
  DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
  DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
  GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
  GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
  LAUNCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
  GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
  GALAHAD:  What?
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
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