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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

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Medieval Knight
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« on: September 01, 2009, 01:09:00 pm »


"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Note: this is a transcript of the movie produced by an anonymous fan. Obviously the original is copyrighted and anyone attempting to exploit this file commercially without permission of Monty Python is a looney...--sacred-texts editor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The strictly unofficial script of the movie, done in a fit of boredom by [AHH 01Jan87] Touched up again by [AHH 25Jan89] (How time flies) Fixed by FDW and SAW in October 94. Hypertext by SAW in November 94. Note: The script ends with the words "The End."
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Medieval Knight
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« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2009, 01:09:37 pm »

The Cast
(in order of appearance [roughly]):

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« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2009, 01:09:49 pm »

KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : John Cleese
MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
CUSTOMER : John Cleese
DEAD PERSON : ?
DENNIS : Michael Palin
WOMAN : Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
WITCH : ?
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR: Michael Palin
SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
GOD : ?
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
MINSTREL : ?
LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin
OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : ?
CONCORDE : Eric Idle
OLD CRONE : ?
ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle
TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese
BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
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Medieval Knight
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« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2009, 01:10:09 pm »

Scene 1
 
      [wind]
      [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
      [clop clop]
 
  GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
  ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
      of Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
      of all England!
  GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
  ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.
      We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
      who will join me in my court of Camelot.  I must speak with your lord
      and master.
  GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
  ARTHUR:  Yes!
  GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
  ARTHUR:  What?
  GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
      'em together.
  ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
      land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
  GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
  ARTHUR:  We found them.
  GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
  ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
  GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
  ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
      or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
      strangers to our land.
  GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
  ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
  GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
  ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
  GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple
      question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
      coconut.

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« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2009, 01:10:19 pm »

ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master
      that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
  GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
      needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
  ARTHUR:  Please!
  GUARD #1:  Am I right?
  ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
  GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
  GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
      swallow, that's my point.
  GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
  ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
      at Camelot?!
  GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
  GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
  GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
      [clop clop]
  GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
  GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
  GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
  GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
  GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
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« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2009, 01:10:36 pm »

Scene 2
 
  MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!

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« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2009, 01:10:48 pm »

CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
  MORTICIAN:  What?
  CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
  MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
  CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
  MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
  CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
  MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
  DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
  CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
  MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
  DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
  CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
  MORTICIAN:  I can't.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't
      be long.
  MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
      today.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
  MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
  DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
  CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
      something you can do?
  DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
      [whop]
  CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
  MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
  CUSTOMER:  Right.
      [clop clop]
  MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
  CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
  MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
  CUSTOMER:  Why?
  MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got **** all over him.
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« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2009, 01:11:18 pm »

Scene 3
 
      [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Old woman!
  DENNIS:  Man!
  ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
  DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
  ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
  DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
  ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
      you looked--
  DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
  DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
      exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
      which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
      If there's ever going to be any progress--
  WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how d'you do?
  ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
      Who's castle is that?

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« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2009, 01:11:35 pm »

 WOMAN:  King of the who?
  ARTHUR:  The Britons.
  WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
  ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
  WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
      collective.
  DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
      A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
  WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
  DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
  ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
      in that castle?
  WOMAN:  No one live there.
  ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
  WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take
      it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
  ARTHUR:  Yes.
  DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
      at a special biweekly meeting.
  ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
  DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
  WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
  ARTHUR:  I am your king!
  WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
  ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
  WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
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« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2009, 01:11:49 pm »

ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
      [angels sing]
      her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
      from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
      Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
      [singing stops]
      That is why I am your king!
  DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
      is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power
      derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
      aquatic ceremony.
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
      just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
      because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
      put me away!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
  DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
      HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
  ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
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« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2009, 01:11:59 pm »

DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
      eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
      you saw it didn't you?
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2009, 01:12:15 pm »

Scene 4
 
      [arg]
      [ugh]
      [hah]
 
  ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
      I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
      [pause]
      I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
      in my Court of Camelot.
      [pause]
      You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
      [pause]
      You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
  ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
      cross this bridge.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
  ARTHUR:  I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
  BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.

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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2009, 01:12:29 pm »

ARTHUR:  So be it!
      [hah]
      [parry thrust]
      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
  ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
  ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!
  BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
  ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?
  BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
  ARTHUR:  You liar!
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
      [hah]
      [parry thrust]
      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
  ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!
      [kneeling]
      We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
      [hah]
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on then.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!
  ARTHUR:  You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?
  ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.
  ARTHUR:  Look!
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.
      [bang]
  ARTHUR:  Look, stop that.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Chicken!  Chicken!
  ARTHUR:  Look, I'll have your leg.  Right!
      [whop]
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Right, I'll do you for that!
  ARTHUR:  You'll what?
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come 'ere!
  ARTHUR:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?
  BLACK KNIGHT:  I'm invincible!
  ARTHUR:  You're a loony.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  The Black Knight always triumphs!
      Have at you!  Come on then.
      [whop]
      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2009, 01:12:38 pm »

BLACK KNIGHT:  All right; we'll call it a draw.
  ARTHUR:  Come, Patsy.
  BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, oh, I see, running away then.  You yellow
      bastards!  Come back here and take what's coming to you.
      I'll bite your legs off!
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« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2009, 01:12:52 pm »

Scene 5
 
  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
  VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
  BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
  VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
  BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
  WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
  BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
  WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
  CROWD:  No, we didn't... no.
  WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
  BEDEMIR:  Well?
  VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
  BEDEMIR:  The nose?
  VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
  BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
  CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
  VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
  BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
  VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
  BEDEMIR:  A newt?
  VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
  VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
  CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
  BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
      she is a witch.
  CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
  BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
  VILLAGER #2:  Burn!
  CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
  BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
  VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
  VILLAGER #2:  Wood!

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