Politically Correct and Other Stories

[unknown]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
 

"Don't worry," Jack said.   "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.  And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."   The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.   They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 


 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
 
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
 
"Yes, I do," said  Bob.
 
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
 
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.  "I have to admit that I did."
 

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Buddy.   I'm afraid I did.  Why do y ou ask?"
 

"She just died and left me everything."
 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[rockessence]

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

 

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.  He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[unknown]

Ha... "don't you step on my blue suede shoes!"

[rockessence]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[unknown]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[unknown]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[rockessence]

[Volitzer]

 

[rockessence]

Wha....?  Voli?

[Volitzer]

No picture is showing.

What is it ??

[rockessence]

Oh Jeeze, Voli!  It showed all three times to me...

It is a fried egg on a little plate and a chick standing right next to it staring down at it....

Saying "F#ck! Pete, is that you?"

[Volitzer]

Oh okay, sorry it just didn't show at all. 

[rockessence]

Tequila Cake
 
Once again this holiday, I have had requests for my tequila christmas cake so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of typing this up every year!
 
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
 
Sample the tequila to check quality Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
 
Repeat.
 
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
 
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
 
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK. Try another cup just in case.
 
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
 
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.
 
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
 
Mix on the turner.
 
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
 
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
 
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
 
Check the tequila.
 
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
 
Add one table.
 
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
 
Greash the oven.
 
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
 
Don't forget to beat off the turner
 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
 
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
 
Now have yourself a little Cherry Christmas!
 

[rockessence]

Guys,

A 'Heads Up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month during this Christmas shopping season, I became a victim of a clever scam. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls in skimpy little Santa outfits come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, thru the 28th, twice on the 30th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.

Be prepared!

[rockessence]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T
fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police
in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until po lice showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give
me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I
said!".


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In
Modesto, CA Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8.
THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The
engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW
REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!