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Politically Correct and Other Stories

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unknown
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« Reply #60 on: October 09, 2007, 01:11:39 pm »

Oh that job application is a hoot...
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
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« Reply #61 on: October 14, 2007, 11:51:06 am »

When Insults Had Class
 
 There was a time when words were used
 beautifully. These glorious  insults are from an
 era when cleverness with words was still
 valued,  before a great portion of the English
 language was boiled down to  four-letter words!
 
 The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
 She said, "If you were  my husband, I'd give you
 poison," and he said, "If you were my wife,  I'd take it."
 
 Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin
 Disraeli: "Sir, you  will either die on the
 gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
 "That  depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether
 I embrace your policies or  your mistress."
 
 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of
 the vices I admire." -  Winston Churchill
 
 "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston  Churchill
 
 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many
 obituaries with  great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
 
 "He has never been known to use a word that
 might send a reader to  the dictionary." -
 William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
 "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big
 emotions come from big  words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
 
 "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
 I'll waste no time  reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
 "He can compress the most words into the
 smallest idea of any man I  know." - Abraham Lincoln
 
 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
 letter saying I  approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -  Oscar Wilde
 
 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night
 of my new play; bring  a friend.... if you have
 one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston  Churchill
 
 "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
 second... if there  is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
 "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost
 like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
 He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope
 it's nothing  trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
 "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of
 dullness in others."  - Samuel Johnson
 
 "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
 "There's nothing wrong with you that
 reincarnation won't cure. -  "Jack E. Leonard
 
 "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
 
 "They never open their mouths without
 subtracting from the sum of  human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
 
 "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
 always yielded easily."  - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
 "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
 "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
 without any address on  it?" - Mark Twain
 
 "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
 
 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
 whenever they go."-  Oscar Wilde
 
 "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses
 lamp-posts... for support  rather than
 illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
 "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
 "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -  Groucho Marx
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
unknown
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« Reply #62 on: October 14, 2007, 03:09:32 pm »

Hi Rocki

This really cracked me up, some real gems here.
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
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« Reply #63 on: October 14, 2007, 09:57:36 pm »

Disraeli and Churchill are my favorites!!!
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
unknown
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« Reply #64 on: October 14, 2007, 10:02:31 pm »

Me too...
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
Jake
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« Reply #65 on: October 15, 2007, 02:02:29 am »

I love em'.  Grin

Keep them coming.  Cheesy

Jake
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Volitzer
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« Reply #66 on: October 19, 2007, 03:40:15 am »

I took a train once but they made me put it back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Groucho Marxism.  Grin
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unknown
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« Reply #67 on: November 01, 2007, 11:41:39 am »

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIG HT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOU NG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
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Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #68 on: November 01, 2007, 08:39:20 pm »

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball Inspector
 
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
 
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
 
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge.
 
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
unknown
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« Reply #69 on: November 01, 2007, 10:54:10 pm »

I can see why the customer would be unhappy...
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
Superhero Member
******
Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


WWW
« Reply #70 on: November 02, 2007, 12:22:26 am »

Unless he was short a ball.....and got a nice fresh one!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2007, 12:23:02 am by rockessence » Report Spam   Logged

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
Qoais
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« Reply #71 on: November 11, 2007, 06:06:22 pm »

Drafting Guys Over 60
 
  I'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old    to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me .. er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
unknown
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« Reply #72 on: November 21, 2007, 02:33:29 pm »

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU !!!

> Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
 
> Please select from the following options menu:

> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
> line so we can trace your call.

> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
> Mother Ship.

> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
> you which number to press.

> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
> nothing will make you happy anyway.

> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
> beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
> memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
> to talk with you.

> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
> down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
 
> This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
> part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
> care.

> (Well, my job is done .....Your turn)

« Last Edit: November 21, 2007, 02:35:24 pm by unknown » Report Spam   Logged

"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
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Posts: 1688


Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #73 on: November 23, 2007, 02:52:54 am »

On the first day of school, the children all brought gifts for their new homeroom grade school teacher. The florist's son presented the teacher with a lovely bouquet of aromatic flower blossoms, which he handed graciously into her arms.  The candy-store owner's daughter came forward and gifted her with a lovely decorated box of deluxe assorted candies.
          Then the liquor-store owner's son stepped forward, holding in his arms a large and weighty cardboard carton. The teacher took it from him, lifted it up, then placed it on her desk.  She noticed that it was leaking a little bit of fluid from one of its corners  She touched and transferred a drop of the clear liquid to one of her fingers, lifted it to her mouth and tasted it. 
          "Is it white wine?" she guessed.
          "No," the boy replied, with a twinkle gleaming in his eyes.
          She sampled another drop and asked, "Hmm, could it be Champagne?"
          "Nope," the boy replied, his smile growing larger by the moment.
          She reached out her finger to gather up yet another drop as it accumulated in the moistened corner of the cardboard carton and asked, "Is it Bourbon?"

          "No," said the little boy, grinning with joy from ear to ear, "it's a puppy!"

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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
unknown
Superhero Member
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Posts: 1603



« Reply #74 on: November 30, 2007, 09:52:26 am »




   A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
« Last Edit: November 30, 2007, 11:12:04 am by unknown » Report Spam   Logged

"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
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