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Politically Correct and Other Stories

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rockessence
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« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2007, 05:03:10 am »

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore.

Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words,

we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

 "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

 "Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness

of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

 "Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

 So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

 "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

   

"Get your own dirt."

 

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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
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« Reply #31 on: May 26, 2007, 10:09:44 pm »



Ha, ha that is a good one.
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
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« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2007, 11:12:15 pm »

I thought so too!!
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
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« Reply #33 on: May 28, 2007, 01:10:47 am »

Collateral!

A foxy blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks to meet a loan officer. Once seated in his office, she tells him that she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer informs her that they will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands him the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

When he questions her about the nature of her proposed collateral, she answers that the vehicle is parked on the street right in front of the bank, shows him the title, and sure enough everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan, and she walks out with her loan money in hand.

Meanwhile, the bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank goes out front to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 loan, along with the very modest interest fee, which costs her an additional $15.41.

The loan officer then says to her, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We ran a credit check on you and found that you are a multi-millionaire.  What puzzles us is this: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
Rachel Dearth
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« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2007, 01:59:31 am »

Good one!
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Boreas
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« Reply #35 on: May 28, 2007, 04:44:49 pm »

 Cheesy
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rockessence
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« Reply #36 on: June 28, 2007, 12:22:18 am »

Zen Sarcasm......

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


3.  It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4.  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


5.  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.


6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13.  Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17.  Duct tape is like 'The Force'.  It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


18.  There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.


19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.


22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
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« Reply #37 on: June 28, 2007, 12:42:15 am »

Great stuff Rocki
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
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rockessence
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« Reply #38 on: July 12, 2007, 12:34:04 am »

 Here are the winners in the 2006 Washington Post's Mensa Invitational -  which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

 

 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****. 

 

 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize that it was your money to start with. 

 

 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 

 

 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

 

 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 

 

 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 

 

 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

 

 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 

 

 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 

 

 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

 12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

 

 13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 

 

 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

 

 15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

 

 16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 

 

 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

 

 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
unknown
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« Reply #39 on: July 14, 2007, 07:54:06 pm »

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 

man I am totally inoculated right now... lol
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"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
Elphias Levi
rockessence
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« Reply #40 on: July 16, 2007, 12:03:44 pm »

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; LycomingCounty

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel o f property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department
to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said repres entation -- so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department
is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES &THE DAM BEAVERS
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
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« Reply #41 on: July 16, 2007, 02:35:28 pm »

My Grandpa used to tell me this one

I went to the dam man, to get some dam water...

The dam man told me, I couldn't have any of his dam water.

So I told the dam man to keep his damn water!
« Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 02:47:25 pm by unknown » Report Spam   Logged

"There exists an agent, which is natural and divine, material and spiritual, a universal plastic mediator, a common receptical of the fluid vibrations of motion and the images of forms, a fluid, and a force, which can be called the Imagination of Nature..."
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« Reply #42 on: July 18, 2007, 10:04:21 pm »

Quote
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I heard the beer was out, this year... 

 Grin
« Last Edit: July 18, 2007, 10:07:30 pm by Boreas » Report Spam   Logged

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rockessence
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« Reply #43 on: July 25, 2007, 01:34:36 pm »

The  Brothel


The madam  opened the brothel door and saw a rather  dignified,

well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties  or early fifties.

"May I help  you?" she asked.

"I want to see  Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would

prefer someone  else," said the madam.

"No. I  must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the  man that she charged

$5,000 a  visit.

Without hesitation, the  man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave

them to Valerie, and they went  upstairs.

After an hour, the  man calmly left.

The next  night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to  see

Valerie. Valerie explained that  no one had ever come back two nights in

a row -- too expensive -- and there were no  discounts. The price was

still  $5,000.

Again the man pulled  out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went

upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded

that he had  come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie  and

they went  upstairs.

After their session,  Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been

with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"  she asked.

The man replied, "  South  Carolina ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina  "

"I know," the man said.  "Your father died, and I am your sister's

attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000  inheritance."

The moral of the  story is that three things in life are certain

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a  lawyer
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
rockessence
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Using rocks and minerals to heal the earth and us.


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« Reply #44 on: August 15, 2007, 01:15:02 am »



A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
 
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."
 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.  So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front  porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster  has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and  gaining fast. The  farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot  on the  front porch when he sees the roosters  go running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn....third gay rooster I  bought this month."

Moral of this story?

1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with OLD TIMERS !
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ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM

Thus ye may find in thy mental and spiritual self, ye can make thyself just as happy or just as miserable as ye like. How miserable do ye want to be?......For you GROW to heaven, you don't GO to heaven. It is within thine own conscience that ye grow there.

Edgar Cayce
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