Politically Correct and Other Stories

[rockessence]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT ****" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE

[Trent]

Funny, Rockessence,

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

Those are my favorite ones. "Horizontally accessible" is something you want in a girlfriend. 

[rockessence]

"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

HAHAHAHAH!!!!! (_@_)  (symbol for head-up-ass)

[rockessence]

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

You only need two tools WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
 
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan or give you a kidney.

[rockessence]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ****. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that **** will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and **** today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[unknown]

Oh God

Thats hilarious

[rockessence]

The 3-minute management course. 
Body: Lesson 1: 
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel." 
 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?" 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure. 
 
======= ====== ============================================= 
 
Lesson 2: 
 
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. 
 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but
the flesh is weak." 
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek
- further up, you will find glory." 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a profitable
opportunity. 
 
=========================================================== 
 
Lesson 3: 
 
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walkin g to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." 
 
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's
gone. 
 
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. 
 
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. 
 
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
Always let your boss have the first say. 
 
========================================================== 
 
Lesson 4: 
 
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" 
 
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." 
 
S o , the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
========================================================== 
 
Lesson 5: 
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." 
 
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied bull, "They're
packed with nutrients." 
 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.&n bsp; The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was 
proudly perched at the top of the tree. 
 
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
Bullsh it might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 
 
========================================================= 
 
Lesson 6: 
 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the
pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 
 
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 
 
Moral of the story: 
 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. 
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's smart to keep your mouth shut! 
 

[unknown]

These are awesome

[rockessence]

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.  Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[unknown]

Oh my God, Oh my God

That is hilarious

[rockessence]

Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[unknown]

Hi Rocky


Civil Engineer it is then!

Stacy posted a bunch of really good limmericks in my Creative Writing/ Poetry thread, (the poetry corner) if you want a chuckle check them out

[rockessence]

                                Oil Change instructions for Women:
                               
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

                                Money spent:
                                Oil Change:   $20.00
                                Coffee:        $1.00
                                Total:        $21.00

                               
Oil Change instructions for Men:

                               
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.   Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

                                Money spent:
                                Parts:                      $50.00
                                DUI:                      $2500.00
                                Impound fee:                $75.00
                                Bail:                     $1500.00
                                Beer:                       $20.00
                                Total:                   $4,145.00

                                But you know the job was done right!

[Jennifer O'Dell]

Good one, Rockessence, yeah, I don't know why guys change their own oil.
Must be something to do with that thing where they never ask for directions either...

[Daffy Duck]

Rockessence always posts the good stuff.

Good one, Rockessence, yeah, I don't know why guys change their own oil.

Same reason as why we pee standing up - because we can.

Must be something to do with that thing where they never ask for directions either...

Truth is, we're never actually trying to get anywhere in particular, therefore, we're never "lost."