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Author Topic: Humor  (Read 3610 times)
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #150 on: September 11, 2010, 10:07:51 pm »


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits, and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 72.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you ****, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****? '
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #151 on: September 15, 2010, 02:17:27 am »

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking

with his legs spread apart.  He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those

people walk just like that."

The other student said, "No, I don't think so.  The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and

couldn't help but notice the way you walk.  We couldn't agree on the syndrome you

might have.  Could you possibly tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students

think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too."



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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #152 on: September 15, 2010, 02:20:57 am »

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Robert0326
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Posts: 1156



« Reply #153 on: September 15, 2010, 09:24:33 am »

     During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

     The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
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Blasphemy is a victimless crime.
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."     Letter to John Adams, April 11, 1823 -Thomas Jefferson
Jesse Neel
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« Reply #154 on: June 15, 2011, 03:41:10 am »

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

The congressman never had seen her
But he got the idea he would tweeter
So he stripped off his clothes
Then he snapped a quick pose
And she got a good look at A. Weiner
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Bob137
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« Reply #155 on: August 26, 2011, 08:43:52 pm »

Thank You all for all of the jokes. I can't see the keyboards anymore though, I got all this water coming out of my eyes, and my stomach hurts. Grin
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Attitude is everything.
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