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Qoais
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« Reply #75 on: March 29, 2010, 10:07:38 am »

The Outhouse
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.  The family had to use
 An outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so  hot in the summer
 And freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on
 The bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old
 Outhouse straight into the creek.
 
 One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
 Decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.   He
found  a large stick and started pushing.  Finally, the outhouse toppled into
 The creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
 Supper.  Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
Was you, wasn't it son?"

 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read
In  school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
Didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
 
 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #76 on: April 01, 2010, 12:16:32 am »

Subject: 100 Years


President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: “What will the USA be like in 100 years time” The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

Gordon Brown thinks “It’s not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will Britain be like in 100 years time?” The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. “Come on Gordon” says Obama, “Tell us what it says” “I can’t! It’s all in Arabic!”
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #77 on: April 01, 2010, 05:51:40 pm »

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The 2nd kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The 2nd kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The 1st kid says, "A circumcision."

And the 2nd kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... couldn't walk for a year.
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #78 on: April 03, 2010, 06:35:48 pm »

Ole Fills In         

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work    and go hunting, so he approached his    assistant.. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow    and don't want to close the clinic.     I want you to take care of the clinic and    take care of all my patients.'   

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.     The doctor goes hunting and returns    the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,  How was your day?'     Ole told him that he took care of three    patients.

'The first one had a  Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'     'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?'    asks the doctor.   

'The second one had stomach burning    and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.     Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and    what about the third one?' asks the    Doctor.   

 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly     the door opens and a woman enters.    Like a flame, she undresses herself,    taking off everything including her bra    and her panties and lies down on the    table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't    seen a man in over two years!!     'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did    you do?' asks the doctor.    .    .    .    .    .   

 

'I put drops in her eyes!! 
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #79 on: April 06, 2010, 09:07:26 pm »

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


       The woman shakes her head no.

       Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
     
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

     His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 


 
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #80 on: April 08, 2010, 11:15:29 pm »















FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER







Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..



Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you  be?
 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #81 on: April 10, 2010, 03:31:19 pm »

Tech Support for Dummies - Real Ones!!


Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?



Female customer:   A white one...




  ===============

 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


 ===============


Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


 ===============


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


 ============== =


Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.


 ===============


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


 ===============


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


 ===============


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?


 == =============


Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


 ===============


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


 ===============


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


 ===============


Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


 ===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'


 ===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!





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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #82 on: April 15, 2010, 10:01:22 am »

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #83 on: April 23, 2010, 08:41:47 am »

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
 ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
 SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
 TO SEE HER TICKET.


 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT > SHE
 WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
 GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
 THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
 BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
 ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
 EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
 SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
 GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
 HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
 THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

 THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
 HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
 AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
 BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
 ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
 ANY FUSS.

 "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".
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« Reply #84 on: April 23, 2010, 08:48:52 am »

 Smiley Smiley Smiley
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Qoais
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« Reply #85 on: April 23, 2010, 08:17:13 pm »

 An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
            years.
            He had a large pond in the back.
           

            It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
            with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and
            lime trees.

            One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
            as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

            He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
            he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
            with glee.

            As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
            women skinny dipping in his pond.

            He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
            the deep end.

            One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out
            until you leave!'

            The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
            ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

            Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the
            alligator.'

            Some old men can still think fast.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #86 on: April 26, 2010, 01:48:16 am »

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.


She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.


After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his
door, laughing.  After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
 
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
 
After a pause, the doctor confessed "Not with a Daffodil."

 
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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #87 on: April 30, 2010, 01:10:29 pm »

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up..'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up..'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog..

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom...
 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #88 on: April 30, 2010, 01:14:18 pm »

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,

 

 

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #89 on: May 01, 2010, 08:08:05 am »

Bitches 'til the End! Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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