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News: Underwater caves off Yucatan yield three old skeletonsóremains date to 11,000 B.C.
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Qoais
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« Reply #60 on: February 22, 2010, 10:12:37 am »

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.


10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.


10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.


10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.


10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #61 on: February 26, 2010, 11:05:11 am »

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave.  Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in
the following order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and
a Star of David.

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least
three thousand years old.  The piece of stone was removed to the museum, and
archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

After months of discussions, they held a huge conference to discuss the
meaning of the markings.  The President of the society pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a woman.  We can judge that this race was
family oriented and held women in high esteem."

"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had
tools to help them.  Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth and the crops didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food.  The last symbol appears to be the Star
of David which means they were obviously Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.  But in the back of the room a
little old man stood up.  "Idiots!" he yelled.  "Hebrew is read from right
to left...  It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass On That Woman
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #62 on: February 28, 2010, 12:41:32 pm »

Two of the greatest assets to have

in life are patience and wisdom.

Here is a great example of both:


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« Reply #63 on: February 28, 2010, 07:17:54 pm »

Phee Phee Le' Pu
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Qoais
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« Reply #64 on: March 02, 2010, 08:33:50 pm »



HIIIIEEEEEEYAAAAH!!!

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« Reply #65 on: March 02, 2010, 09:19:50 pm »

Cubs they look playful, when I see baby cubs in the wild that's a que to stage left, cause the mother isn't to far?

But nice pic.
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Qoais
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« Reply #66 on: March 03, 2010, 10:35:57 pm »

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
 
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.
 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
 

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
 
The Dog
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #67 on: March 08, 2010, 09:36:01 am »

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.  It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

The goes downstairs and finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde reponds saying "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #68 on: March 08, 2010, 09:57:25 am »

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.   Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #69 on: March 08, 2010, 10:11:48 am »

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #70 on: March 08, 2010, 10:19:24 am »

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #71 on: March 17, 2010, 07:53:00 pm »

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and
the doctor was called out to assist
in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I
can see what I am doing!'

 Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the
doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to
put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold
that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the
doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in
a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one
coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, . . .. . .

 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #72 on: March 17, 2010, 07:55:04 pm »

 A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
 Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds
 attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in
 her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she
 is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
 
 However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over
 his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
 
  No further studies are expected.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #73 on: March 17, 2010, 08:14:26 pm »

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #74 on: March 26, 2010, 10:36:33 am »

SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

 

 

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor

of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

 

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the

kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

 

Conditions were perfect....12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic

numbness all over....the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One

of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire

need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was

relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for

female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go

away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know

that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out,

the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of

the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she

should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,

"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

 

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and

proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,

then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you

don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep

slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,

racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another

slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down

around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

 

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual

vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally

collided violently with a pylon.

 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up

her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her

nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a

hospital.

 

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was

put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,

making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I

was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There

was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain,

with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a

better look and fell out of the lift." ..

 

"So, how'd you break your arm?

 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
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