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Author Topic: Humor  (Read 3611 times)
Qoais
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2009, 10:49:45 pm »

 Cup  of Tea..

One day my  mother was out and my dad was in charge of  me.
I was maybe 3 years  old,
and  someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a  gift.
It was one  of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in  the living room engrossed in the evening news  when I brought  him
a little  cup of 'tea', which was just  water.
After  several cups of tea and lots of praise for such  yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her  sit quietly in another  room,
so mom  could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because  I was so  cute.

Mom  waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the  hall with a cup of tea for  Daddy.
Mom  watches dad drink from the tea  cup.

Then she says, (as only a  mother would know... Smiley

'Did it ever occur to  you that the only place she can reach to get  water is the  toilet?

 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

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Qoais
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2009, 11:14:50 pm »

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Logic rules.

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Manutius
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« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2009, 04:26:03 pm »

Volitzer.
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strages consanguinei me vos canis
Qoais
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« Reply #18 on: December 12, 2009, 01:36:57 am »


       

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.



An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was notlocked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'   
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knocked on their door.  'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No'.
Andy said, 'She's lying.  She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile'
The cops turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said:'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....'

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'
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Qoais
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« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2009, 01:46:08 am »

98%   OF CANADIANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE     GOING IN THE DITCH ON  A SLIPPERY  ROAD. 

 THE  OTHER 2% ARE  FROM  ALBERTA AND  THEY SAY, 
'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH  THIS.'       
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

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Qoais
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« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2009, 10:53:29 pm »

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2009, 11:02:07 pm »



 

 
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
 

 
 
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"


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Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #22 on: December 14, 2009, 09:59:18 pm »

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is indebt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich Canadian tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel..

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The **** rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich  Canadian traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets themoney, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.  However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States and Canadian Governments are conducting business today.

 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #23 on: December 14, 2009, 10:43:31 pm »

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly
can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.

 The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
 his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
 right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
 answered
 first.

 The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
 Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
 teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
 Nancy answered first.

 Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
 would keep their mouths shut".

 The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
> > >
« Last Edit: December 14, 2009, 10:47:52 pm by Qoais » Report Spam   Logged

An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2009, 08:15:50 pm »

 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.  The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

While on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "What is your name?"
"Jack Smith,"he replied."

The CEO continued, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,  "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and don't ever come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #25 on: December 15, 2009, 08:17:57 pm »


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
 
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
 
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
 
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
 
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
 
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
 
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
 
'Yes, I do' she replies.
 
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
 
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
 
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
 
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
 
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
 
'I would have been released today.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2009, 10:59:25 pm »

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
 information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

 Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
 take you safely to   Afghanistan   '

 An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

 When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
 with only women up there in the cockpit.'
 
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
 
  'It's The Box Office.'   
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #27 on: December 27, 2009, 02:57:12 am »

MEN IN TRAINING


Oops.  A little too riske I guess!!




« Last Edit: December 27, 2009, 10:52:24 am by Qoais » Report Spam   Logged

An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #28 on: December 29, 2009, 05:47:17 pm »

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to
shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see
anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts the club away, and
grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.


"You must be a lucky frog", he asks?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
 
"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
 
Hole in one.
 
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks
the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."





" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
 
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game the man figures
what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys
the best room in the hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog,
I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I
am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous girl.


"And that is how the girl ended up in
My room Elin. So help me God or my
name is not Tiger Woods."
 
 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2010, 09:26:58 pm »

An elderly  couple had dinner at  another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table  and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were  talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant  and it was really great... I would recommend it very  highly.'
The other man said, 'What  is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and  thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you  give to someone you love?
You know.... The one  that's red and has thorns.'
   'Do you mean a  rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,  'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last  night?'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
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