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News: USA showered by a watery comet ~11,000 years ago, ending the Golden Age of man in America
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/briefs/20050926/mammoth_02.html
 
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Author Topic: Humor  (Read 3610 times)
Qoais
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« Reply #120 on: June 09, 2010, 12:45:19 pm »

Haircut
>
> A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
> as
> to when they could discuss his use of the car.
>
> His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
>
> 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
> little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
>
> The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
> offer,
> and they agreed on it.
>
> After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
> and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
>
> disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
>
> The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
> noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
>
> Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
> evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
>
> You're going to love the Dad's reply:
>
>
>
> 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Volitzer
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« Reply #121 on: June 10, 2010, 04:44:57 pm »

Bad example there were no cars back in Jesus' or John's time.
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Qoais
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« Reply #122 on: June 10, 2010, 11:56:01 pm »

It's just a joke Volitzer.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Keith Ranville
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*


« Reply #123 on: June 11, 2010, 01:42:25 am »

It's just a joke Volitzer.

I remember telling a joke to a old friend at a party a few years back, Well the joke went: Did you hear they found a dead body under the bridge and they found corn flakes around the body? The police figure it was a (cereal) serial Killer, that did it?

But the jest of me telling this corny joke, one of the guys I said it to (Fred), ok we were at a party a few years later after I told that silly joke? he said to me while we were with maybe the same ol' crowd of friends chatting..  "hey Keith did they ever find out who killed that person who was found dead under that bridge a few years back?"

The party just went silent for a second... and everyone just bursted out laughing.. ha ha  ha 

Everyone new him as to being always serious as hell, and everyone knew that old gullible joke.   

ol' Fred god rest his soul.. I miss that guy.

Keith, Grin

###
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Qoais
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« Reply #124 on: June 22, 2010, 03:17:04 am »

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible.

 

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #125 on: June 22, 2010, 03:18:05 am »

 
There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children would cost the church.

Finally the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God, he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.

And the congregation said, "Amen".
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #126 on: June 29, 2010, 10:03:51 am »

Little Firefighter


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #127 on: July 02, 2010, 11:26:25 am »

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #128 on: July 02, 2010, 11:27:06 am »


A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #129 on: July 04, 2010, 05:33:03 pm »

A lot  of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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******
Posts: 3423



« Reply #130 on: July 06, 2010, 09:10:50 am »

Ideal Husbands...

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Volitzer
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« Reply #131 on: July 06, 2010, 05:45:57 pm »

A lot  of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....

That's cuz we allowed the Federal-Reserve Act to be un-Constitutionally implemented.

Watch the Money Masters people, double dip recession isn't the hope and change anyone wanted no matter how you voted.
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Robert0326
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« Reply #132 on: July 06, 2010, 10:07:20 pm »



A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
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Blasphemy is a victimless crime.
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."     Letter to John Adams, April 11, 1823 -Thomas Jefferson
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #133 on: July 07, 2010, 10:39:53 am »

 Grin Grin
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #134 on: July 07, 2010, 04:41:45 pm »

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
 Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
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