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Qoais
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« on: May 26, 2009, 10:19:48 pm »

I thought there was a humor thread in here somewhere already - no?

Well, have a laugh anyway:

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

 
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

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Qoais
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« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2009, 12:11:59 pm »

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid avisit to a lawyer

 The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one ofthem dayvorces.'      The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I> got
 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have asuit?> The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The
> lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I> ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do> you> have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parksthe> John Deere'. The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
> The farmersaid, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'     By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
 ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a littlewhite gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2009, 12:21:36 pm »

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Louisiana




At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

 




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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2009, 11:09:38 am »

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the
 guests spotted an
 attractive man standing alone. She approached him,
 smiled and said, "Hello,
 my name is Carmen."

 "That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is
 it a family name?"

 "No" she replied. "I actually gave it to
 myself. It represents the things
 that I enjoy the most - cars and men."
"Therefore, I chose Carmen."
 'What's your name?"
 
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf"
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2009, 11:10:47 am »

Subject: 12 indicators of a bad economy
 



12.   CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11.  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10.  I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9.   Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8.   Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7.   McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6    People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5.  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4.  People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3.  Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2.  The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2009, 11:14:08 am »

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh!ts itself."
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2009, 11:15:18 am »

A little known fact....
 
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.
 
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2009, 11:22:26 am »

Now that's hot!
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2009, 03:31:02 pm »


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
 
 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2009, 03:41:11 pm »


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2009, 03:45:21 pm »

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
 were killing each other over 25 cents."

 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
 "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
 the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2009, 03:57:16 pm »

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued
fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The
negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop  the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would
earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would
have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron
prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange
animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the
growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win
in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward
the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the
giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the
Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There
was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

 The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with
the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing
machine." "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Qoais
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Posts: 3423



« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2009, 05:31:42 pm »

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. ............Mark Twain
2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ..........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ..........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ..........James Bovard,

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ..........Douglas Casey,

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ..............P.J. O'Rourke,

Cool Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. .........Frederic Bastiat,

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. ........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ..........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it. ........Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. .......Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ..........Herbert Spencer (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. .........Edward Langle

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. .........Unknown

23)  Never mess with anybody who prints their own money.......... Al Urban (2006
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An open-minded view of the past allows for an unprejudiced glimpse into the future.

Logic rules.

"Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
Volitzer
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2009, 01:02:07 pm »


1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. ............Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ..........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ..........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ..........James Bovard,

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ..........Douglas Casey,

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ..............P.J. O'Rourke,

Cool Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. .........Frederic Bastiat,

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. ........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ..........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it. ........Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. .......Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ..........Herbert Spencer (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. .........Edward Langle

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. .........Unknown

23)  Never mess with anybody who prints their own money.......... Al Urban

Good ones.

24) Liberals let you live the way you want but find ways to take your money via taxation, Conservatives let you keep your money provided you live "their" way.

25) Conservatives always worry about inflation if it comes time to spend money on healthcare, education, or infrastructure but has little concern when spending money on prisons, or un-Constitutional wars.
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Manutius
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I pray that God's an atheist


« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2009, 08:41:06 pm »

So, Volitzer.
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Shoot the homeless.
strages consanguinei me vos canis
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