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the Coffee Shop => the Coffee Shop => Topic started by: Qoais on May 26, 2009, 10:19:48 pm



Title: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 26, 2009, 10:19:48 pm
I thought there was a humor thread in here somewhere already - no?

Well, have a laugh anyway:

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 27, 2009, 12:11:59 pm
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid avisit to a lawyer

 The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one ofthem dayvorces.'      The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I> got
 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have asuit?> The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The
> lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I> ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do> you> have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parksthe> John Deere'. The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
> The farmersaid, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'     By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
 ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a littlewhite gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 27, 2009, 12:21:36 pm
Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Louisiana




At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

 




(http://i41.tinypic.com/bfqo1x.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 25, 2009, 11:09:38 am
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the
 guests spotted an
 attractive man standing alone. She approached him,
 smiled and said, "Hello,
 my name is Carmen."

 "That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is
 it a family name?"

 "No" she replied. "I actually gave it to
 myself. It represents the things
 that I enjoy the most - cars and men."
"Therefore, I chose Carmen."
 'What's your name?"
 
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 25, 2009, 11:10:47 am
Subject: 12 indicators of a bad economy
 



12.   CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11.  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10.  I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9.   Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8.   Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7.   McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6    People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5.  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4.  People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3.  Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2.  The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 25, 2009, 11:14:08 am
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh!ts itself."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 25, 2009, 11:15:18 am
A little known fact....
 
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.
 
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 25, 2009, 11:22:26 am
Now that's hot!
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/PringlesHotSpicy.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 02, 2009, 03:31:02 pm

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
 
 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/littleoldladystickinghertongueout.gif)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 02, 2009, 03:41:11 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 02, 2009, 03:45:21 pm
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
 were killing each other over 25 cents."

 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
 "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
 the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 02, 2009, 03:57:16 pm
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued
fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The
negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop  the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would
earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would
have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron
prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange
animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the
growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win
in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward
the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the
giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the
Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There
was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

 The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with
the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing
machine." "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 02, 2009, 05:31:42 pm
1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. ............Mark Twain
2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ..........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ..........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ..........James Bovard,

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ..........Douglas Casey,

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ..............P.J. O'Rourke,

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. .........Frederic Bastiat,

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. ........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ..........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it. ........Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. .......Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ..........Herbert Spencer (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. .........Edward Langle

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. .........Unknown

23)  Never mess with anybody who prints their own money.......... Al Urban (2006


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Volitzer on December 03, 2009, 01:02:07 pm

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. ............Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ..........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ..........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ..........James Bovard,

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ..........Douglas Casey,

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ..............P.J. O'Rourke,

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. .........Frederic Bastiat,

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. ........P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ..........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it. ........Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. .......Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ..........Herbert Spencer (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. .........Edward Langle

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. .........Unknown

23)  Never mess with anybody who prints their own money.......... Al Urban

Good ones.

24) Liberals let you live the way you want but find ways to take your money via taxation, Conservatives let you keep your money provided you live "their" way.

25) Conservatives always worry about inflation if it comes time to spend money on healthcare, education, or infrastructure but has little concern when spending money on prisons, or un-Constitutional wars.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Manutius on December 03, 2009, 08:41:06 pm
So, Volitzer.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 03, 2009, 10:49:45 pm
 Cup  of Tea..

One day my  mother was out and my dad was in charge of  me.
I was maybe 3 years  old,
and  someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a  gift.
It was one  of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in  the living room engrossed in the evening news  when I brought  him
a little  cup of 'tea', which was just  water.
After  several cups of tea and lots of praise for such  yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her  sit quietly in another  room,
so mom  could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because  I was so  cute.

Mom  waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the  hall with a cup of tea for  Daddy.
Mom  watches dad drink from the tea  cup.

Then she says, (as only a  mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to  you that the only place she can reach to get  water is the  toilet?

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 03, 2009, 11:14:50 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/shameonyouforeatingmeat.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Manutius on December 04, 2009, 04:26:03 pm
Volitzer.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 12, 2009, 01:36:57 am

       

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.



An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was notlocked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'   
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knocked on their door.  'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No'.
Andy said, 'She's lying.  She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile'
The cops turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said:'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....'

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 12, 2009, 01:46:08 am
98%   OF CANADIANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE     GOING IN THE DITCH ON  A SLIPPERY  ROAD. 

 THE  OTHER 2% ARE  FROM  ALBERTA AND  THEY SAY, 
'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH  THIS.'       


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 12, 2009, 10:53:29 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Finding3wisemen.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 12, 2009, 11:02:07 pm


 

 
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
 

 
 
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"




Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 14, 2009, 09:59:18 pm
SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is indebt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich Canadian tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel..

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The **** rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich  Canadian traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets themoney, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.  However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States and Canadian Governments are conducting business today.

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 14, 2009, 10:43:31 pm
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly
can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.

 The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
 his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
 right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
 answered
 first.

 The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
 Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
 teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
 Nancy answered first.

 Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
 would keep their mouths shut".

 The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
> > >


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 15, 2009, 08:15:50 pm
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.  The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

While on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "What is your name?"
"Jack Smith,"he replied."

The CEO continued, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,  "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and don't ever come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 15, 2009, 08:17:57 pm

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
 
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
 
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
 
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
 
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
 
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
 
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
 
'Yes, I do' she replies.
 
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
 
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
 
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
 
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
 
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
 
'I would have been released today.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 19, 2009, 10:59:25 pm
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
 information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

 Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
 take you safely to   Afghanistan   '

 An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

 When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
 with only women up there in the cockpit.'
 
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
 
  'It's The Box Office.'   


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 27, 2009, 02:57:12 am
MEN IN TRAINING


Oops.  A little too riske I guess!!


(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/MeninTraining3.jpg)

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/MeninTraining4.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on December 29, 2009, 05:47:17 pm
A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to
shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see
anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts the club away, and
grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.


"You must be a lucky frog", he asks?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
 
"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
 
Hole in one.
 
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks
the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."





" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
 
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game the man figures
what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys
the best room in the hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog,
I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I
am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous girl.


"And that is how the girl ended up in
My room Elin. So help me God or my
name is not Tiger Woods."
 
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 11, 2010, 09:26:58 pm
An elderly  couple had dinner at  another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table  and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were  talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant  and it was really great... I would recommend it very  highly.'
The other man said, 'What  is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and  thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you  give to someone you love?
You know.... The one  that's red and has thorns.'
   'Do you mean a  rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,  'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last  night?'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 12, 2010, 01:00:30 am
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 12, 2010, 01:01:04 am
A woman is standing ****, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started.....


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 12, 2010, 07:41:22 pm
                     
Circumcised
 A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his **** hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 16, 2010, 08:50:00 pm
WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 17, 2010, 02:40:08 pm
Stay
I  pulled into the crowded parking lot at  the
Local  Shopping  Center  and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador  Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She  was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress  upon her that she must
Remain there.

I walked to the  curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying  emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay!  Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car,a pretty blonde young  lady,
Gave me a strange look and  said,


'Why  don't you just put it in  park?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 17, 2010, 02:47:11 pm
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad.  It's OK if you don't know the answer.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 19, 2010, 09:32:35 pm
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. 
 
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.... 
 
   on one condition..." 
 
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 
 
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
 






"Clean my house."




 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 23, 2010, 01:01:41 am
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God sighed with exasperation, shook His head, took a deep breath, and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and he finds the woman.

But, in less than five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now, Adam?"

And Adam said





"What's a headache?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: no thing on January 23, 2010, 01:51:12 am
Exhausted after a long road/sales trip, the tired salesman was but 100 miles from home. The problem was, he had been driving for the last 10 hours and had to pee like a race horse. Home was calling but he could absolutely hold it no longer, so in the next small town he went searching for a bathroom. It was fairly late and the only thing open was, what looked like, the neighborhood bar. As he hurried past the bar, he ordered a beer and made a dash for the bathroom.

On reflection, this should have been his first tip off, because the bathroom was CLEAN, in a BAR…There were more important matters at hand so he finished his long awaited pee and headed out for a quick beer before getting back on the road. After sitting down at the bar, his earlier ‘notion’ was fully realized by the painting of two men in a passionate embrace hanging behind the bar. Not wanting to appear shocked by the situation he was in, he decided to drink his beer quickly and leave But such was not to be the case.

The bartender wondered over and said, “What do you call yours mate?”. The salesman had no idea what the man was asking, and from the puzzled look on his face, the bartender explained, “You know, like Phil there next to you, he calls his ‘Timex’, for it ‘takes a licking and keeps on ticking’, and Bill calls his ‘Maxwell House’, for it is ‘good to the last drop’. So mate, what do you call yours? His many years of sales came to his rescue and he as he finished his beer and rose to leave, he said, “I call mine ‘Secret’, for it is ‘strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’.”



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 23, 2010, 09:36:07 am
(http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://www.smileyshut.com/Smileys/Smiley-Huts-Free-Laughing-Smileys.html) (http://www.trailershut.com/movie-trailers/96-transformers-3-trailer.html)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 23, 2010, 08:50:14 pm
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM.
 
 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'
 
 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
 
 'How much do you charge?'   
   
 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.   
   
 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
 
 Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.   
   
 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
 
 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'
 
 'Is that so?'  With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
 
 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under there now!!!


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 25, 2010, 09:21:48 am
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 
 The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of  your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
 
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

 When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............

 "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the F--kING SALT TRUCK........"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on January 31, 2010, 03:54:29 pm
 
Upon  reaching 65, I decided to retire.  After  having me under foot for a few months,
my wife  became very agitated with me.  She suggested I go  and do something to occupy
my time, like join a club  or get a hobby.  I obliged and went out for a couple  of hours.

When I got home my wife asked  about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to 
the park and hung out with the guys.  And oh yeah, I  joined a parachute club.

"What?  Are you  nuts?  You're 65 years old and you're going to start  jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a  membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your  glasses!  This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not  a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great!  Now what am I  going to do?  I signed up for 5 jumps a  week!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 09, 2010, 10:36:23 pm
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.


(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/LaughingChipmunk.gif)

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 01:09:13 pm
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 01:10:03 pm
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 01:11:58 pm
Life is sexually transmitted.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 06:30:08 pm
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 08:57:23 pm
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 11, 2010, 08:57:57 pm
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 13, 2010, 09:13:23 am
EXERCISE   FOR PEOPLE  OVER 50   

Begin  by  standing on a comfortable surface, where you have  plenty of room at  each side. 
With   a 5-lb  potato bag in each hand, extend your arms   straight out from  your sides and hold them there as  long  as you can. Try to reach a  full minute, and then   relax. 
Each  day  you'll find that you can  hold this position for  just a bit  longer. After  a  couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb  potato   bags.
Then   try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to  get  to  where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and   hold  your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm  at  this level.)       
 After  you  feel confident at that level,  put a potato in each   bag.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 14, 2010, 03:00:45 am
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them…

Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out with both hands and hold this person!"

So I did!

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Scruffychick.jpg)

I won't be at mass this week.

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/GuyinCast.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 14, 2010, 03:12:42 am
 I just want to thank all of you for your educational posts over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a public bathroom door  without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon  peel. 
 
I can't use the remote in a hotel room  because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

 I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread  because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is  picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are  sending me for participating in their special  e-mail program. 
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. 

 I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants  even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 
 
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove  toilet stains. 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And I know that if I don't forward my e-mails to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on my head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest my back, causing me to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door  neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician .....
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 14, 2010, 02:28:47 pm
Amazingly simple Home Remedies:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 16, 2010, 10:08:22 am
A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.
Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," she replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 18, 2010, 12:15:47 am
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/ActualExtractfromNewspaper.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 20, 2010, 09:28:04 pm
Never Argue with a Woman



 
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


Moral of This Story:
Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think! ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 20, 2010, 09:45:21 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/DiaryofaBlonde.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 21, 2010, 12:48:49 pm
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is .. . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 22, 2010, 10:06:38 am
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

 


I went for my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!'
 

This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

Everything clear?

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and
Said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.'  Belinda headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part mashed between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store..

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

'And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 22, 2010, 10:12:37 am
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.


10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.


10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.


10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.


10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 26, 2010, 11:05:11 am
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave.  Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in
the following order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and
a Star of David.

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least
three thousand years old.  The piece of stone was removed to the museum, and
archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

After months of discussions, they held a huge conference to discuss the
meaning of the markings.  The President of the society pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a woman.  We can judge that this race was
family oriented and held women in high esteem."

"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had
tools to help them.  Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth and the crops didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food.  The last symbol appears to be the Star
of David which means they were obviously Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.  But in the back of the room a
little old man stood up.  "Idiots!" he yelled.  "Hebrew is read from right
to left...  It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass On That Woman


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on February 28, 2010, 12:41:32 pm
Two of the greatest assets to have

in life are patience and wisdom.

Here is a great example of both:


(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/slunkanddog.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on February 28, 2010, 07:17:54 pm
Phee Phee Le' Pu


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 02, 2010, 08:33:50 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/BearCubs.jpg)

HIIIIEEEEEEYAAAAH!!!



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on March 02, 2010, 09:19:50 pm
Cubs they look playful, when I see baby cubs in the wild that's a que to stage left, cause the mother isn't to far?

But nice pic.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 03, 2010, 10:35:57 pm
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
 
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.
 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
 

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/WetCat.jpg)
Sincerely,
 
The Dog
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/laughingdog.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 08, 2010, 09:36:01 am
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.  It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

The goes downstairs and finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde reponds saying "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 08, 2010, 09:57:25 am
Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.   Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 08, 2010, 10:11:48 am
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 08, 2010, 10:19:24 am
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 17, 2010, 07:53:00 pm
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and
the doctor was called out to assist
in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I
can see what I am doing!'

 Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the
doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to
put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold
that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the
doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in
a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one
coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, . . .. . .

 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 17, 2010, 07:55:04 pm
 A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
 Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds
 attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in
 her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she
 is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
 
 However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over
 his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
 
  No further studies are expected.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 17, 2010, 08:14:26 pm
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Smalldogsniffingbigdogsbutt.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 26, 2010, 10:36:33 am
SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

 

 

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor

of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

 

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the

kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

 

Conditions were perfect....12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic

numbness all over....the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One

of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire

need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was

relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for

female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go

away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know

that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out,

the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of

the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she

should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,

"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

 

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and

proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,

then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you

don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep

slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,

racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another

slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down

around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

 

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual

vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally

collided violently with a pylon.

 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up

her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her

nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a

hospital.

 

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was

put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,

making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I

was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There

was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain,

with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a

better look and fell out of the lift." ..

 

"So, how'd you break your arm?

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on March 29, 2010, 10:07:38 am
The Outhouse
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.  The family had to use
 An outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so  hot in the summer
 And freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on
 The bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old
 Outhouse straight into the creek.
 
 One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
 Decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.   He
found  a large stick and started pushing.  Finally, the outhouse toppled into
 The creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
 Supper.  Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
Was you, wasn't it son?"

 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read
In  school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
Didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
 
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 01, 2010, 12:16:32 am
Subject: 100 Years


President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: “What will the USA be like in 100 years time” The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

Gordon Brown thinks “It’s not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will Britain be like in 100 years time?” The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. “Come on Gordon” says Obama, “Tell us what it says” “I can’t! It’s all in Arabic!”


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 01, 2010, 05:51:40 pm
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The 2nd kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The 2nd kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The 1st kid says, "A circumcision."

And the 2nd kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... couldn't walk for a year.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 03, 2010, 06:35:48 pm
Ole Fills In         

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work    and go hunting, so he approached his    assistant.. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow    and don't want to close the clinic.     I want you to take care of the clinic and    take care of all my patients.'   

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.     The doctor goes hunting and returns    the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,  How was your day?'     Ole told him that he took care of three    patients.

'The first one had a  Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'     'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?'    asks the doctor.   

'The second one had stomach burning    and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.     Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and    what about the third one?' asks the    Doctor.   

 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly     the door opens and a woman enters.    Like a flame, she undresses herself,    taking off everything including her bra    and her panties and lies down on the    table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't    seen a man in over two years!!     'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did    you do?' asks the doctor.    .    .    .    .    .   

 

'I put drops in her eyes!! 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 06, 2010, 09:07:26 pm
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


       The woman shakes her head no.

       Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
     
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

     His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 


 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 08, 2010, 11:15:29 pm














FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER







Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..



Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you  be?
 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 10, 2010, 03:31:19 pm
Tech Support for Dummies - Real Ones!!


Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?



Female customer:   A white one...




  ===============

 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


 ===============


Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


 ===============


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


 ============== =


Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.


 ===============


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


 ===============


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


 ===============


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?


 == =============


Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


 ===============


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


 ===============


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


 ===============


Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


 ===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'


 ===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!







Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 15, 2010, 10:01:22 am
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 23, 2010, 08:41:47 am
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
 ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
 SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
 TO SEE HER TICKET.


 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT > SHE
 WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
 GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
 THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
 BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
 ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
 EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
 SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
 GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
 HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
 THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

 THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
 HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
 AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
 BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
 ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
 ANY FUSS.

 "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: no thing on April 23, 2010, 08:48:52 am
 :) :) :)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 23, 2010, 08:17:13 pm
 An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
            years.
            He had a large pond in the back.
           

            It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
            with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and
            lime trees.

            One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
            as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

            He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
            he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
            with glee.

            As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
            women skinny dipping in his pond.

            He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
            the deep end.

            One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out
            until you leave!'

            The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
            ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

            Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the
            alligator.'

            Some old men can still think fast.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 26, 2010, 01:48:16 am
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.


She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.


After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his
door, laughing.  After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
 
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
 
After a pause, the doctor confessed "Not with a Daffodil."

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 30, 2010, 01:10:29 pm
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up..'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up..'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog..

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom...
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on April 30, 2010, 01:14:18 pm
Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,

 

 

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 01, 2010, 08:08:05 am
Bitches 'til the End! Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 03, 2010, 03:56:42 pm
Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
 
A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 06, 2010, 01:58:31 pm
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . So-----why do you wear pants?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 06, 2010, 02:01:02 pm
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa, watch TV, drink beer and fart.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 06, 2010, 02:02:02 pm
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 16, 2010, 10:14:05 am
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.   But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
    ~ Unknown~ 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 16, 2010, 10:21:35 am
An elderly couple are attending Church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."   


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Byron on May 16, 2010, 03:25:20 pm
Quote
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.   But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
    ~ Unknown~

Good one!


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 16, 2010, 08:42:19 pm
Thanks :D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 19, 2010, 04:19:11 pm


IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE BOOK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU'RE PROBABLY SHOPPING AT THE

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/BookStore.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 21, 2010, 12:34:44 am
I like long walks, especially when they are taken  by people who annoy me.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 21, 2010, 12:35:38 am
 Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 21, 2010, 12:36:49 am
 I do have flabby thighs,  but fortunately my stomach covers them. ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 26, 2010, 11:26:32 am
GOOD SAMARITAN
      A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan..  She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 26, 2010, 06:07:17 pm
Texas Limo

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/TexasLimo.jpg)



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 28, 2010, 01:13:13 pm
A Love Story For Men


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, 'NO !!!'
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf  and drank beer and coffee and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
                                      The end


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 29, 2010, 12:38:55 am
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck
would have it,a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station
to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the
only gas can he owned had been
loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun
was on the  way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and  spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried
the full  bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank,
two men  watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said,
 
         "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 29, 2010, 12:41:22 am
The Newfie Painter Garge (George), while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.  His fame grew, and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Garge if he would paint her in the ****.  This was the first time anyone had made this request.  The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, " Would be me pleasure ma'am.  Missus says it's okay.  .  I'll paint ya in da ****, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes ......  ."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 29, 2010, 06:48:05 pm
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

AND FOR THE SAME REASON 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on May 29, 2010, 06:53:09 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/CareerinorganizedCrimecartoon.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on May 31, 2010, 03:29:47 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0GW0Vnr9Yc

A woman has a panic attack in the movie Airplane, and there's only one way to calm her down.

 ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 02, 2010, 02:59:13 pm
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 02, 2010, 03:09:47 pm
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 02, 2010, 03:12:47 pm
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small ****.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 03, 2010, 05:14:47 pm
 Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 03, 2010, 05:16:07 pm
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink

And be Mary..


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 03, 2010, 05:17:23 pm
My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 03, 2010, 08:58:22 pm
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

With trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for **** and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 06, 2010, 11:09:01 am
Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone..
   
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
     
3. No one is listening until you fart.
   
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
   
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
   
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
 
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
   
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
   
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   
   
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
   
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
   
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
   
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
   
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
   
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
   
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
   
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
   
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... Then things just keep getting worse.
   
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Volitzer on June 07, 2010, 02:09:48 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0GW0Vnr9Yc

A woman has a panic attack in the movie Airplane, and there's only one way to calm her down.

 ;D

I'm surprised the feminists weren't pissing and moaning about this back in the day.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on June 08, 2010, 10:35:53 pm
Airplane came out in 1980 - during that time feminism was slowly gaining more momentum since the 60's but it wasn't until shortly after the airplane spoof somewhere in the mid 80's that is when feminism got more attention, or re-invigorated to its awareness in the media.

 ;)
 
###

What Happened to the Women’s Movement?

by Barbara Epstein


The Queer/Gay Assimilationist Split: The Suits vs. the Sluts

by Benjamin H. Shepard

Also by this Author:

Notes on the Antiwar Movement

Feminist Consciousness After the Women’s Movement

Response to Acker and Eisenstein
   

From the late 1960s into the 1980s there was a vibrant women's movement in the United States. Culturally influential and politically powerful, on its liberal side this movement included national organizations and campaigns for reproductive rights, the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA), and other reforms. On its radical side it included women's liberation and consciousness raising groups, as well as cultural and grassroots projects. The women's movement was also made up of innumerable caucuses and organizing projects in the professions, unions, government bureaucracies, and other institutions. The movement brought about major changes in the lives of many women, and also in everyday life in the United States. It opened to women professions and blue-collar jobs that previously had been reserved for men. It transformed the portrayal of women by the media. It introduced the demand for women's equality into politics, organized religion, sports, and innumerable other arenas and institutions, and as a result the gender balance of participation and leadership began to change. By framing inequality and oppression in family and personal relations as a political question, the women's movement opened up public discussion of issues previously seen as private, and therefore beyond public scrutiny. The women's movement changed the way we talk, and the way we think. As a result, arguably most young women now believe that their options are or at least should be as open as men's.

Despite the dramatic accomplishments of the women's movement, and the acceptance of women's equality as a goal in most sectors of U.S. society, gender equality has not yet been achieved. Many more women work outside the home but most continue to be concentrated in low-paying jobs; women earn, on the average, considerably less than men; women are much more likely than men to be poor. Violence against women is still widespread. Responsibility for childcare remains largely the responsibility of women; despite the fact that most women work outside the home, nowhere is it seen as a societal rather than a familial responsibility. In the 1960s and 1970s feminists protested the imbalance in power between men and women in family and personal relations. But these continue to exist.

Worst of all, there is no longer a mass women's movement. There are many organizations working for women's equality in the public arena and in private institutions; these include specifically women's organizations such as the National Organization for Women, and in environmental, health care, social justice and other areas that address women's issues. But, where there were once women's organizations with large participatory memberships there are now bureaucratic structures run by paid staff. Feminist theory, once provocative and freewheeling, has lost concern with the conditions of women's lives and has become pretentious and tired. This raises two questions. Why is there so little discussion of the near-disappearance of a movement that not so long ago was strong enough to bring about major changes in the social and cultural landscape? What are the causes of the movement's decline?

Why the Silence?

The decline of the women's movement has coincided with a right-wing attack on feminism, and with the decline of other activist movements. The civil rights and Black Power movements are considerably weaker and more fragmented now than they were a few decades ago. The environmental activist and gay and lesbian rights movements have lost coherence and direction. Many feminists and other progressives have resisted public discussion of the weaknesses of these movements, arguing that any acknowledgement of them provides the right with ammunition. But this is not a valid reason to avoid examining a movement's problems. There is no place other than the public arena for holding such a discussion. The causes of the decline of these movements are more complicated than can be dealt with by circling the wagons. Right wing attacks have played a role in damaging some feminist projects, such as abortion rights, but the overall decline of the women's movement has much more to do with a loss of a sense of urgency within than with attacks from without.

It is my impression that the real reason for avoiding or suppressing criticisms within the movement is fear that discussing the movement's problems will hasten a process of unraveling that is already well underway. Movements are fragile; the glue that holds them together consists not only in belief in the causes that they represent, but also confidence in their own growing strength. Especially when a movement is in decline it is tempting to silence criticism and turn to whistling in the dark, in the hope that no one will notice that something has gone wrong. But problems that are not acknowledged or discussed are not likely to go away; it is more likely that they will worsen. Understanding why a movement has declined may not lead to the revival of that movement as it was in the past, but it may help in finding new directions.

Reluctance to look at the weaknesses of the current women's movement may also have to do with the fear that second wave, or contemporary, feminism could disappear, sharing the fate of first wave feminism. The first women's movement in the United States, which took place in the latter part of the nineteenth and the early twentieth century, was almost wiped from historical memory during the four-decade interlude between the two waves of feminist activism. It was the weaknesses of first wave feminism, most of which have not been shared by feminism's second wave, that made this possible. First wave feminism was largely confined to white, middle and upper-middle class women. First wave feminism also moved, over the course of its history, towards a narrowness of vision that isolated it from other progressive movements. The first feminist movement in the United States originated in the abolitionist movement. In its early years feminism's alliance with the anti-slavery movement, and its association with other protest movements of the pre-Civil War decades, gave it a radical cast. But when the Civil War ended and suffrage was extended to former slaves but not to women, much of the women's movement abandoned its alliance with blacks. In the decades between the Civil War and the turn of the twentieth century, racist and anti-immigrant sentiment spread within the middle class. In the last decades of the nineteenth century and the first two decades of the twentieth the women's movement narrowed its focus to winning woman’s suffrage, and leading feminists turned to racist and anti-immigrant arguments on behalf of that goal. Other currents in the women's movement, such as the women's trade union movement, avoided racism and continued to link feminism with a radical perspective. But by the late nineteenth century the mainstream woman suffrage organizations dominated the women's movement. By the time woman's suffrage was won, first wave feminism had abandoned any broader agenda and had distanced itself from other progressive movements. Feminism was easily pushed aside by the conservative forces that became dominant in the twenties.

The impact of second wave feminism has been broader and deeper than that of the first wave. Whatever direction U.S. politics may take it is hard to imagine feminism being wiped off the slate as it was in the thirties, forties and fifties. In the last three decades feminism has changed women's lives and thinking in ways that are not likely to be reversed. Where first wave feminism collapsed into a single-issue focus, second wave feminism has in many respects broadened. Second wave feminism had its limitations in its early years. Though participants included women of color and of working class backgrounds, their route into the movement was through the same student and professional circles through which white middle class women found feminism. The presence of women of color and working class women did not mean that feminism was being adopted within these communities. Second wave feminists, especially in the intoxicating early years of the movement, tended to believe that they could speak for all women. Such claims contained a small grain of truth, but ignored the composition of the movement, which was overwhelmingly young, white, college educated, heterosexual, and drawn from the post-Second World War middle class.

Unlike first wave feminism, the second wave broadened over time, in its composition and, in important respects, in its perspective. In the 1970s and 1980s, lesbian feminism emerged as a current within the movement. Women of color began to articulate their own versions of feminism, and working class women, who had not been part of the movement's early constituency of students and professionals, began to organize around demands for equal treatment at the workplace and in unions, for childcare, and for reproductive rights. Where first wave feminism pulled back, over time, from its early alliances with the black movement and other radical currents, second wave feminism increasingly allied itself with progressive movements, especially with movements of people of color and with the gay and lesbian movement. Second wave feminists also developed increasing sensitivity to racial differences, and differences of sexual orientation, within the women's movement.

From a Movement to an Idea

The heyday of the women's movement was in the late 1960s and early 1970s. During the 1980s and 1990s a feminist perspective, or identity, spread widely and a diffuse feminist consciousness is now found nearly everywhere. There are now countless activist groups and social and cultural projects whose goals and approaches are informed by feminism. There are women's organizations with diverse, grassroots constituencies focusing on issues of concern to working class women and women of color. There is the National Congress of Neighborhood Women, dealing with the problems of working class women and women of color. There are many local groups with similar concerns; an example from California is the Mothers of East Los Angeles, which has played an important role in environmental justice struggles. There is Women's Action for New Directions (previously Women's Action for Nuclear Disarmament), bringing women of color and white women together around issues of health and the environment. There are many others. Nevertheless, grassroots activism is not the dominant, or most visible, sector of the women's movement. Public perception of feminism is shaped by the staff-run organizations whose concerns are those of their upper middle class constituencies and by the publications of feminists in the academy. The mass diffusion of feminist consciousness, the bureaucratization of leading women's organizations, and the high visibility of academic feminism are all consequences of the acceptance of feminism by major sectors of society. But these changes have not necessarily been good for the movement. Feminism has simultaneously become institutionalized and marginalized. It has been rhetorically accepted, but the wind has gone out of its sails.

Feminist activism has not ceased, nor have the numbers of women engaged in feminist activity or discussion declined. Millions of U.S. women talk to each other about women's concerns, using the vocabulary of feminism. There are countless organized feminist projects, focusing on domestic violence, reproductive rights and women's health. There are international networks of women continuing efforts begun at the international meeting of women at Beijing in 1995. Young feminist writers are publishing books addressed to, or speaking for, their generation.

The proliferation of feminist activism is part of a broader pattern. The numbers of people involved in community, social justice, and progressive activism generally appears to have increased since the 1970s (though there is no way of counting the numbers of people involved). Feminist activism is not an exception to this trend, especially if one includes in this category women's involvement in the environmental and public health movements, addressing women's issues among others. The fact that feminist perspectives have been adopted by movements outside the women's movement, by organizations that also include men, is itself an achievement. Women play a role in leadership of the environmental and anti-corporate movements that is at least equal to men's; feminism is understood by most of these groups to be a major element in their outlook. But these activist projects do not shape the public image of feminism. The organizations and academic networks that shape public perceptions of feminism have become distant from the constituencies that once invigorated them, and have lost focus and dynamism.

Feminism has become more an idea than a movement, and one that often lacks the visionary quality that it once had. The same could be said about progressive movements, or the left, generally: we now have a fairly large and respectable arena in which feminist and progressive ideas are taken for granted. And yet we seem to have little influence on the direction of politics in the United States as a whole, and a kind of “low-grade depression” seems to have settled over the feminist/progressive arena. This is both result and cause of the weakness of the left in recent decades, a response to the widespread acceptance of the view that there is no alternative to capitalism. The women's movement has been weakened along with other progressive movements by this loss in confidence in the possibility that collective action can bring about social change.

Why the Decline of the Women's Movement?

In the 1960s and early 1970s the dominant tendency in the women's movement was radical feminism. At that time the women's movement included two more or less distinct tendencies. One of these called itself Socialist Feminism (or, at times, Marxist Feminism) and understood the oppression of women as intertwined with other forms of oppression, especially race and class, and tried to develop a politics that would challenge all of these simultaneously. The other tendency called itself Radical Feminism. Large-R Radical Feminists argued that the oppression of women was primary, that all other forms of oppression flowed from gender inequality.

Feminist radicals of both stripes insisted that the inequality of the sexes in the public sphere was inseparable from that in private life; radical feminism demanded equality for women in both spheres. And despite disagreements among themselves about the relationship between the oppression of women and other forms of oppression, radical feminists agreed that equality between women and men could not exist by itself, in a society otherwise divided by inequalities of wealth and power. The goal of radical feminism was an egalitarian society, and new kinds of community, based on equality.

During the 1960s and 1970s the radical current within the women's movement propelled the whole movement forward, but it was the demand for women's entry into the workplace, on equal terms with men, that gained most ground. The more radical feminist demands for an egalitarian society and new kinds of community could not be won so easily. Though the liberal and radical wings of the women's movement differed in their priorities, their demands were not sharply divided. Radical feminists wanted gender equality in the workplace, and most liberal feminists wanted a more egalitarian society. Affirmative action was not only a tool of privileged women. In an article in the Spring 1999 issue of Feminist Studies, Nancy McLean points out that working women used this policy to struggle for equality at the workplace, both opening up traditionally male jobs for women and creating a working class component of the women's movement. As long as the women's movement was growing and was gaining influence, demands for equal access to the workplace and for broad social equality complemented one another.

But a movement's demands, once won, can have different consequences than intended. Affirmative action campaigns were on the whole more effective in the professions than elsewhere, and it was educated, overwhelmingly white, women who were poised to take advantage of these opportunities. This was in large part due to the failure of the labor movement to organize women and people of color. The class and racial tilt of affirmative action was also a result of the accelerating stratification of U.S. society in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, the growing gap between the lower and higher rungs of the economy. The gains made by working women for access to higher-paid jobs could not offset the effects of widening class divisions. From the early 1970s on, the standard of living of workers generally declined. Women, who were poorer to begin with, suffered the worst consequences.

The radical feminist vision became stalled, torn apart by factionalism and by intense sectarian ideological conflicts. By the latter part of the 1970s, a cultural feminism, aimed more at creating a feminist subculture than at changing social relations generally, had taken the place formerly occupied by radical feminism. Alice Echols' book Daring to Be Bad: Radical Feminism in America 1967-1975 describes these developments accurately and empathetically. Ruth Rosen's recent survey of the women's movement, The World Split Open: How the Modern Women's Movement Changed America, includes a clear-eyed account of the impact of these developments on the women's movement generally. Ordinarily, such sectarianism occurs in movements that are failing, but the women's movement, at the time, was strong and growing. The problem was the very large gap between the social transformation that radical feminists wanted and the possibility of bringing it about, at least in the short run. The movement itself became the terrain for the construction of, if not a new society, at least a new woman. The degree of purity that feminists demanded of one another was bound to lead to disappointment and recriminations.

I think that radical feminism became somewhat crazed for the same reasons that much of the radical movement did during the same period. In the late 1960s and early 1970s many radicals not only adopted revolution as their aim but also thought that revolution was within reach in the United States. Different groups had different visions of revolution. There were feminist, black, anarchist, Marxist-Leninist, and other versions of revolutionary politics, but the belief that revolution of one sort or another was around the corner cut across these divisions. The turn toward revolution was not in itself a bad thing; it showed an understanding of the depth of the problems that the movement confronted. But the idea that revolution was within reach in the United States in these years was unrealistic. The war in Vietnam had produced a major crisis in U.S. society. Protest against the war, combined with protest against racism and sexism, led some to think that it had become possible to create a new society. In fact, the constituency for revolution, however conceived, was limited mostly to students and other young people, and this was not enough for a revolution. When the war ended the broad constituency of the protest movement evaporated, isolating its radical core. Radical feminism lasted longer than other insurgencies due to the continuing strength of the women's movement as a whole, and the ongoing receptivity of many feminists to radical ideas. But by the 1980s radical feminism, at least as an activist movement with a coherent agenda, also became marginal to politics in the United States.

Affirmative action for women constituted an effort toward gender equality in the workplace, a goal not yet achieved. But the success of the women's movement in opening up the professions to women, ironically, has had the effect of narrowing the movement's perspective and goals. When it was mostly made up of young people, and infused with radical ideas, feminism was able to develop a perspective that was in many ways independent of, and critical of, the class from which most feminists were drawn. Now, although there are important new, younger feminist voices, the largest part of the organized women's movement consists of women of my generation, the generation that initiated second wave feminism. I am not suggesting that people necessarily become less radical as they get older. I think that what happens to people's politics depends as much on the times, and the political activity that they engage in, as it does on their age. In a period when radicalism has been made to seem irrelevant even for the young, it is easy for a movement whose leadership is mostly made up of middle aged, middle class professionals to drift into something like complacency.

This of course does not describe the whole women's movement. What we now have is a women's movement composed on the one hand of relatively cautious organizations such as the National Organization for Women, the National Women's Political Caucus, and others, as well as more daring but also less visible organizations concerned with specific issue grassroots organizing. What we do not have is a sector of the women's movement that does what radical feminism once did, that addresses the issue of women's subordination generally, and places it within a critique of society as a whole. Liberal feminism lost the ERA, but it did accomplish many things. Largely due to liberal feminist organizing efforts, young women and girls now have opportunities that did not exist a few decades ago, and expectations that would have seemed wildly unrealistic to earlier generations.

Radical versions of feminism still exist, but more in the academy and among intellectuals than among organizers. Some feminists have continued to work at bridging this gap, both in their intellectual work and in engagement with grassroots movements. The growing numbers of women, including feminists, in the academy, has meant that many students have been introduced to feminist and progressive ideas, and feminist and progressive writings have influenced the thinking of a wide audience. But on the whole, feminists in the academy, along with the progressive wing of academics generally, lack a clear political agenda, and have often become caught up in the logic and values of the university. In the arena of high theory, and to some extent cultural studies, both of which are closely associated with feminism, the pursuit of status, prestige, and stardom has turned feminist and progressive values on their head. Instead of the 1960s' radical feminist critique of hierarchy, we have a kind of reveling in hierarchy and in the benefits that come with rising to the top of it.

Though the contemporary women's movement has avoided the racial and ethnic biases, and the single-issue focus, that plagued the early feminist movement, it resembles first-wave feminism in having gradually lost its critical distance from its own middle and upper middle class position. First wave feminism narrowed, over the course of its history, not only in relation to the issue of race but also in relation to the issues of capital and class. In the pre-Civil War years, first wave feminism was part of a loose coalition of movements within which radical ideas circulated, including critical views of industrial capitalism. In the late nineteenth century, as the structures of industrial capitalism hardened and class conflict intensified, feminists played important roles in the reform movements that championed poor and working class people, and some sections of the women's movement criticized capitalism and reached out to labor. The Women's Christian Temperance Union, for instance, criticized the exploitation of labor by capital and entertained support for “gospel socialism” as “Christianity in action.” In the early years of the twentieth century the alliance between feminism and socialism continued within the Socialist Party. But after the turn of the century mainstream feminists moved away from any critique of capitalism, instead identifying women's interests and values with those of the upper middle class. By the time first wave feminism disappeared it had lost any critical perspective on capitalism or on its own class origins.

Feminism Has Absorbed the Perspective of the Middle Class

Like first wave feminism, contemporary feminism has over time tended to absorb the perspective of the middle class from which it is largely drawn. Meanwhile the perspective of that class has changed. Over the last several decades, under the impact of increasing economic insecurity and widening inequalities, the pursuit of individual advancement has become an increasingly important focus within the middle class. Community engagement has weakened for many, perhaps most, middle class people. For many people, especially professionals, work has become something of a religion; work is the only remaining source of identity that seems valid. Meanwhile the workplace has become, for many, more competitive and more stressful. This is not just a problem of the workplace, but of the culture as a whole. This country has become increasingly individualistic, cold, and selfish. And feminism has not noticeably challenged this. The feminist demand for equal workplace access was and remains important; for most women this demand has not been achieved. But the most visible sector of the women's movement appears to have substituted aspirations toward material success for the demand for social equality and community. This evolution, from the radical and transforming values of its early years, has been so gradual that it has been easy for those involved not to notice it. But it is a reflection of the shifting perspectives of women who were once part of a radical movement and now find themselves in settings governed by a different set of values.

In the 1970s and 1980s, many feminists thought that if only we could get more women into the universities, the universities would be transformed and would become less elitist, less competitive, more humane, and more concerned with addressing social problems. We now have a lot of women in the universities, and it is not clear that the universities have changed for the better. Indeed, in many respects the universities are worse, especially in regard to the growing pursuit of corporate funds and the resultant spread of the market ethos. But so far neither women in general nor feminists in particular have been especially prominent in challenging these trends and demanding a more humane, less competitive, or less hierarchical university. Feminist academics have not in recent years been particularly notable for their adherence to such values. There are some areas of academic feminism where there is open discussion, where people treat each other with respect, and where everyone involved is treated as an equal participant towards a common purpose. But in too much of feminist academia this is not the case. In the arena of high theory, the most prestigious sector of academic feminism, competition and the pursuit of status are all too often uppermost.

The shift in values that has taken place in the women's movement has been part of a broader trend. In a period of sharpening economic and social divisions, characterized by corporate demand for greater and greater profits and the canonizing of greed, a whole generation has been seized by the desire to rise to the top. Feminists are no exception to this. The image of the feminist as careerist is not merely a fantasy promulgated by hostile media. Put differently, feminists, at least those in academia and in the professions, have been no more overtaken by these values than other members of the middle class. But to say this is to admit that feminists have lost their grip on a vision of a better world.

Contemporary feminism emerged out of the rebellion of young middle class women against domesticity, and their demand for careers outside the home, which was one side of the gender politics of the 1960s and early 1970s. The other side was rebellion against work in a corporate-driven society on the part of the young men of the New Left, and their never fully defined demand for something more meaningful. Christopher Lasch's posthumously published collection of essays, Women and the Common Life (Norton, 1997) argues, in an essay entitled “The Sexual Division of Labor, The Decline of Civil Culture, and the Rise of the Suburbs,” that these critiques were both correct and were in principle complementary. He argued that each view suffered from failing to take the other into account, and that the division between these critiques reflected the excessive distance between the spheres of work and family. He called for equal participation of the sexes in the home and a workplace made more human by incorporation of a feminist critique.

I think that we need an updated version of 1960s radicalism which would include both socialist and feminist perspectives and address itself to the increased power of the corporations and influence of marketplace values. Most feminists would disavow the individualism and the pursuit of success that has become such a prominent part of culture in the United States. But I think that most of us live according to these values anyway: we measure our value by our success at work, and we let little stand in the way of it. It is taken for granted that success in life can be measured, in large part, by the achievement of wealth and status, through work. These values may have taken hold most strongly within the professional middle class, but they have extended far beyond it as well; they are reinforced by economic insecurity, the fear of falling behind, losing one’s job, falling to the bottom.

It is difficult, even for radicals, to maintain a different set of values, when institutions and social relations outside of work have become so weakened, when nothing but achievement at work seems to hold much social value. Our communities have dwindled. We regret this but most of us respond by further throwing ourselves into our work. I think we need a critique of, and an alternative to, an increasingly unfettered capitalism, which intensifies social divisions, puts a price on everything, and draws all arenas of life into its vortex. One can think of the radical feminist demand for equality and community as quaint, or one can see it as a precondition for a contemporary radical program.

http://www.monthlyreview.org/0501epstein.htm


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 09, 2010, 12:45:19 pm
Haircut
>
> A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
> as
> to when they could discuss his use of the car.
>
> His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
>
> 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
> little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
>
> The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
> offer,
> and they agreed on it.
>
> After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
> and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
>
> disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
>
> The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
> noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
>
> Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
> evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
>
> You're going to love the Dad's reply:
>
>
>
> 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Volitzer on June 10, 2010, 04:44:57 pm
Bad example there were no cars back in Jesus' or John's time.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 10, 2010, 11:56:01 pm
It's just a joke Volitzer.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on June 11, 2010, 01:42:25 am
It's just a joke Volitzer.

I remember telling a joke to a old friend at a party a few years back, Well the joke went: Did you hear they found a dead body under the bridge and they found corn flakes around the body? The police figure it was a (cereal) serial Killer, that did it?

But the jest of me telling this corny joke, one of the guys I said it to (Fred), ok we were at a party a few years later after I told that silly joke? he said to me while we were with maybe the same ol' crowd of friends chatting..  "hey Keith did they ever find out who killed that person who was found dead under that bridge a few years back?"

The party just went silent for a second... and everyone just bursted out laughing.. ha ha  ha 

Everyone new him as to being always serious as hell, and everyone knew that old gullible joke.   

ol' Fred god rest his soul.. I miss that guy.

Keith, ;D

###


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 22, 2010, 03:17:04 am
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible.

 

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 22, 2010, 03:18:05 am
 
There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children would cost the church.

Finally the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God,” he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, "Amen".


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on June 29, 2010, 10:03:51 am
Little Firefighter


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 02, 2010, 11:26:25 am
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 02, 2010, 11:27:06 am

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 04, 2010, 05:33:03 pm
A lot  of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 06, 2010, 09:10:50 am
Ideal Husbands...

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Volitzer on July 06, 2010, 05:45:57 pm
A lot  of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....

That's cuz we allowed the Federal-Reserve Act to be un-Constitutionally implemented.

Watch the Money Masters people, double dip recession isn't the hope and change anyone wanted no matter how you voted.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Robert0326 on July 06, 2010, 10:07:20 pm


A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 07, 2010, 10:39:53 am
 ;D ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 07, 2010, 04:41:45 pm
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
 Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 09, 2010, 06:35:27 pm
(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Seethroughskirts.jpg)

What you see, are not see through skirts.  They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as though the undies are visible.  It's the current rage in Japan.

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Seethroughskirts2.jpg)

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Seethroughskirts3.jpg)

(http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Qoais/Seethroughskirts4.jpg)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on July 09, 2010, 08:19:45 pm
Good ol' Hummer..  ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 16, 2010, 09:06:19 am
I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom...


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on July 16, 2010, 01:44:16 pm
I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom...


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

that's funny..  ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: rockessence on July 16, 2010, 07:32:07 pm
what did the hippie say when asked to leave?

.

.

.

.

Namaste....


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: rockessence on July 16, 2010, 07:34:37 pm
How do you know a hippie's been at your place?

.

.

.

.

....he's still there....


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: rockessence on July 16, 2010, 07:35:25 pm
I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom...


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

that's funny..  ;D

very very funny!!


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 17, 2010, 09:33:39 am
Yeah, I really cracked up when I read that myself!! ;D ;D


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Keith Ranville on July 17, 2010, 02:20:51 pm
I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom...


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

that's funny..  ;D
very very funny!!

That joke It knda reminds me of that movie Mr. Mom, when he sprays the deoderant not before he reads the can and it says shake well before use.. and then he shakes himself..  :P


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 18, 2010, 09:38:13 am
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

" You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming  or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken." 

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 28, 2010, 04:39:56 pm
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll.

> One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
> As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
> Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
> The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
> We've got dogs with us."
> The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
> They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
> On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
> The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
> The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand,
> This is my seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
> The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
> The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a
> Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark
> glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
> The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
> The woman with the Chihuahua said,>   
>
> "A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!">


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on July 28, 2010, 06:55:37 pm
'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the park?' Mum replies, 'No,
because she is in heat.'

 

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

 

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

 

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the park? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.'

 

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time round the
park.'

 

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
lead. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

 

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about half way down the road, so
another dog is pushing her home.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on August 11, 2010, 09:05:10 am
This morning on the 400,

I looked over to my left and there was a


Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 120 kph

With her
face up next to her
rear view mirror 

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped
 
My electric shaver   


Which knocked

The donut   
out of my other hand.

In all  the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car

Using my knees against
the steering wheel,


It knocked
my cell phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

into the coffee 

Between my legs!


Splashed,

and burned

"Big Jim" and the "Twins", 


Ruined the darn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers!

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on August 12, 2010, 09:56:38 am
Subject: Trivia

 
 
 
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point
  and was totally embarrassed !

  The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?"

  ..........so I shouted out my answer, and got asked to leave.

  Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on September 02, 2010, 08:03:49 pm
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on September 11, 2010, 10:07:51 pm

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits, and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 72.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you ****, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****? '


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on September 15, 2010, 02:17:27 am
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking

with his legs spread apart.  He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those

people walk just like that."

The other student said, "No, I don't think so.  The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and

couldn't help but notice the way you walk.  We couldn't agree on the syndrome you

might have.  Could you possibly tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students

think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too."





Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Qoais on September 15, 2010, 02:20:57 am
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Robert0326 on September 15, 2010, 09:24:33 am
     During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

     The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Jesse Neel on June 15, 2011, 03:41:10 am
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

The congressman never had seen her
But he got the idea he would tweeter
So he stripped off his clothes
Then he snapped a quick pose
And she got a good look at A. Weiner


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Bob137 on August 26, 2011, 08:43:52 pm
Thank You all for all of the jokes. I can't see the keyboards anymore though, I got all this water coming out of my eyes, and my stomach hurts. ;D